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By Sean Mac

Being out of work is just horrible. If someone has a kinky fetish and wants to feel completely worthless for months at a time then I suggest becoming jobless or a Maple Leaf goalie (zing!). There’s no income coming in, spending any money is scary, and any sense of pride in your life is gone when there’s no reason to get out of your track pants. I’ve personally been job hunting for about two months now and it’s becoming more realistic that I will become a drug dealing prostitute. People want one stop shopping and that’s what I will provide.

I'll be the Walmart of hookers

There are probably hundreds of reasons why having no job is brutal. Although I clearly have the time to write about them all I’m going to keep this list short. Here are 4 reason why I hate being jobless.

Your sooo jealous right now

When the average person comes home from a hard days work they ideally want to relax and do what ever they do to escape reality. But for me everything I did to escape reality is now my reality. I can wake up when ever I feel like. I can watch as many movies I want. I can drink as many beers as I can afford. AND no matter what time of day it is I can masturbate. Most people call this a weekend, I call this Monday. All these things that I can do were all worth while after busting my ass all day. Now they are just something to do. One needs to fill their day with bullshit in order for their hobbies to seem worth while. I have bullshit, but just not the right type.

"Your resume say's you went to Harvard, Yale, Princeton, and Oxford.....why do you want to work for Starbucks?"

Job interviews can make a lot of people nervous. I personally love them because I’m very good at talking with people and talking bullshit. I’m so confident with my bullshit that I convince myself that what I’m saying is all true. The reason I put interviews on this list is that there are people out there bullshitting better then me, getting the job, and I never get to see who they are. Who are these people spewing out these words of shit with such elegance that they get the most wanted position for a minimum wage job. How come I leave each interview laughing and shaking hands with the interviewer yet never getting a call back? This is way too much like my dating life. Is there an Obi wan Kenobi of bullshitting that can teach me to harness my powers?

Look at their stupid faces. Stupid sexy rich faces.

Bumping into people that you haven’t seen in years can be awkward enough when you have a job. When you don’t have one it’s just another kick to the balls. There are no words in the English vocabulary that make joblessness sound awesome. Try saying “I’m just in between jobs at the moment” with pride. It just doesn’t work! Then you have to hear about their shitty problems that aren’t shitty at all. How their house might be just a little too big for 2 people. How they can’t decide between buying a Mitsubishi or a Mazda, and maybe keeping the BMW anyways. While I’m standing there with $2.00 in my pocket thinking “Should I get a small coffee or an even smaller coffee?”. I rather just keep these people as Facebook friends and not actually have to talk with them.

Huh?

Job applications have to be one of the more overly complicated crap a person has to deal with when applying for a job. I’ve done some applications that were 15 pages long! I shouldn’t have to write an essay on why I want to work for Starbucks. I don’t to work for Starbucks. I need money. I will work hard because I need money. But my essays with phrases like “efficient worker” and “highly motivated” aren’t good enough for companies.

Personality tests are all part of the fun when doing an application. Usually there are about 4-5 pages of multiple choice questions that some how tally up what personality you have. Here is an example of the type of questions a person will have to answer to complete the application.

If you are a captain of a hockey team and you needed a minimum of 10 players to play a game but only 9 showed up what would you do?

A- Plead with the referee to let your team play anyways

B- Tell the referee that your team forfeits the game

C- Ask the opposition if they would lend one of their players

D-None of the above

The other day it took me over 30 minutes to fill out this bullshit then once I finished and pressed the “apply” button there was an error on the site and I had to start all over. At that point I was just too angry to do it again. I wanted to blow up the world. Really if there was a red button to press that could have demolished this planet into pieces of rock that would float around space for eternity I would have pressed that button. I hate applications with all my heart and that’s why for me this is number 1.

P.S. I think I managed to say shit or bullshit in each column. Good for me:)

28 thoughts on “Top 4 Reasons to Hate being Jobless

  1. Not having a job sucks. Then you find one and realize having a job sucks as well. Here’s to winning the lotto!

  2. Reblogged this on My Thoughts & Inspirations! and commented:
    For some reason, this is absolutely true. Being jobless especially when you previously had a job can be depressing. Just like thedrinkinghat puts it “When the average person comes home from a hard days work they ideally want to relax and do what ever they do to escape reality but when you are jobless, everything you did to escape reality is now the reality”
    A pretty awesome piece, so enjoy.

  3. Your post was delightful! Really brightened my job-hunting day. I lost my biggest client in December to a buyout and I’ve been pickingup rocks on freelance job sites and writing in five blogs ever since. Glad I had the chance to do the writing, but damn, it’s a bitch getting paid minimum wage for “great writing”. And now I think I have IBS, without health insurance. The bright side is I’m never more than eight feet from a commode.

  4. Been there many many times. So at the age of 54 I decided to become a nurse. Have endured what I never thought I could, but I know I always have a job. Good luck. Main thing that works, is to decide on what you really, really want and go for it. There’s a magic in going after what you really want that actually works. Good luck!

  5. Try being 54, disabled due to a stroke and waiting on your SSD. Talk about repeated kicks to the balls? It’s a wonder I’m not singing Soprano right now.

    Whatever the reason, being out of work is no damn fun. Thank god for the book deal I’m working on right now, otherwise I think I might die of terminal depression. I feel sorry for any young person dealing with the country right now. I wish you the very best of luck.

  6. Reblogged this on JW On Purpose and commented:
    This story brought back so many not so wonderful memories of when I used to be jobless… Oh wait.. I still am.. Please make me rich Internet so I don’t have to go looking for a real job!

  7. If it were to pay, as most sources for authors don’t want to pay for creativity, you’re best promise, based on this article, is to be a professional writer. The article gets to the heart of your dismay and frustration but, all the while, is entertaining to read. Maybe by some fluke or intervention of the god’s – IT WILL COME! If not, just keep writing; if for nothing else it is cathartic…good luck!

  8. Job hunting is the worst. I’m currently looking for a second job (you probably hate me knowing I have a job and want another one but my hours are severely cut at my current one so I do have a justified reason). I was never good at the bullshitting, sometimes honesty just sucks. Good luck with the job hunt!

    • this is prob considered sexist but what ev. I think you have a better chance of getting a job since you are an attractive girl. Anything to do with customer service to me you have an upper hand. Reading your blogs I know your more than a pretty face but company’s don’t always care about that. Use it to your advantage!

      • I get what you’re saying. I feel like all the jobs I’d have an advantage for will be shitty or underpaid. I don’t want to work in the mall again. Haha but thanks. Somehow I think my pictures look a whole lot better than how I look going into an interview.

  9. Awesome post. Do feel so sorry for you though. (perhaps whilst drinking an $8 latte). If you could make money from blogging you would be killing it.

    Wish I could employ you as a paid writer. Blogging pays less than crime. Hope something turns up soon. Without the Myers Briggs bullshit.

  10. I hope something comes your way soon. As an unemployed (8 months now) human resources professional I feel your frustration times 100. I have been turned down by a well know fast food restaurant because they were afraid the position would not be challenging enough for me…..the challenge is paying the mortgage, the electric bill, the heat bill and the car payment, not learning how to flip a burger. I am 55 and closer to retirement than moving up the corporate ladder, another low blow and reason why companies don’t want to invest in my expertise. My biggest frustration……applying for jobs on line. Are you getting my resume and cover letter or is it lost in space. And hey HR professionals, I have been doing this for over 30 years, and I am proud to say that I always respond to candidates who have interviewed and were not selected….shame on all of you who don’t. Wow….that felt good!!

    • lol yea crazy that’s the thing, for other places your considered over qualified. For those fast food type jobs if I were you I would lie and say that I’m retired and just looking for extra cash.

  11. Try saying your on a sabbatical. I know it’s a term academics use when they are out doing research but it’s more inventive than saying ‘unemployed’ and implies that you have a plan. I was unemployed for three and a half years and just got hired at a grocery store part time. So much for the recovery after all but I am also back in my last year of university and only two and a half semesters away from graduation. I just did a post on this on my blog, so if you need a few tips about how to stretch your money or survive this change in circumstances, come check me out.

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