By Sean Mac
Being out of work is just horrible. If someone has a kinky fetish and wants to feel completely worthless for months at a time then I suggest becoming jobless or a Maple Leaf goalie (zing!). There’s no income coming in, spending any money is scary, and any sense of pride in your life is gone when there’s no reason to get out of your track pants. I’ve personally been job hunting for about two months now and it’s becoming more realistic that I will become a drug dealing prostitute. People want one stop shopping and that’s what I will provide.
There are probably hundreds of reasons why having no job is brutal. Although I clearly have the time to write about them all I’m going to keep this list short. Here are 4 reason why I hate being jobless.
When the average person comes home from a hard days work they ideally want to relax and do what ever they do to escape reality. But for me everything I did to escape reality is now my reality. I can wake up when ever I feel like. I can watch as many movies I want. I can drink as many beers as I can afford. AND no matter what time of day it is I can masturbate. Most people call this a weekend, I call this Monday. All these things that I can do were all worth while after busting my ass all day. Now they are just something to do. One needs to fill their day with bullshit in order for their hobbies to seem worth while. I have bullshit, but just not the right type.
Job interviews can make a lot of people nervous. I personally love them because I’m very good at talking with people and talking bullshit. I’m so confident with my bullshit that I convince myself that what I’m saying is all true. The reason I put interviews on this list is that there are people out there bullshitting better then me, getting the job, and I never get to see who they are. Who are these people spewing out these words of shit with such elegance that they get the most wanted position for a minimum wage job. How come I leave each interview laughing and shaking hands with the interviewer yet never getting a call back? This is way too much like my dating life. Is there an Obi wan Kenobi of bullshitting that can teach me to harness my powers?
Bumping into people that you haven’t seen in years can be awkward enough when you have a job. When you don’t have one it’s just another kick to the balls. There are no words in the English vocabulary that make joblessness sound awesome. Try saying “I’m just in between jobs at the moment” with pride. It just doesn’t work! Then you have to hear about their shitty problems that aren’t shitty at all. How their house might be just a little too big for 2 people. How they can’t decide between buying a Mitsubishi or a Mazda, and maybe keeping the BMW anyways. While I’m standing there with $2.00 in my pocket thinking “Should I get a small coffee or an even smaller coffee?”. I rather just keep these people as Facebook friends and not actually have to talk with them.
Job applications have to be one of the more overly complicated crap a person has to deal with when applying for a job. I’ve done some applications that were 15 pages long! I shouldn’t have to write an essay on why I want to work for Starbucks. I don’t to work for Starbucks. I need money. I will work hard because I need money. But my essays with phrases like “efficient worker” and “highly motivated” aren’t good enough for companies.
Personality tests are all part of the fun when doing an application. Usually there are about 4-5 pages of multiple choice questions that some how tally up what personality you have. Here is an example of the type of questions a person will have to answer to complete the application.
If you are a captain of a hockey team and you needed a minimum of 10 players to play a game but only 9 showed up what would you do?
A- Plead with the referee to let your team play anyways
B- Tell the referee that your team forfeits the game
C- Ask the opposition if they would lend one of their players
D-None of the above
The other day it took me over 30 minutes to fill out this bullshit then once I finished and pressed the “apply” button there was an error on the site and I had to start all over. At that point I was just too angry to do it again. I wanted to blow up the world. Really if there was a red button to press that could have demolished this planet into pieces of rock that would float around space for eternity I would have pressed that button. I hate applications with all my heart and that’s why for me this is number 1.
P.S. I think I managed to say shit or bullshit in each column. Good for me:)