Dearest fans of The Drinking Hat,
Well my night certainly didn’t go as planned. When the policemen swarmed they were hesitant to grapple with me, cause you know, I was naked and wearing a Gorilla Mask. It took the athletic cop to finally wrestle me too the ground – I was way too crafty for the other fattie cops who stole my stolen candy, probably.
How it happened: I just finished prying the candy bag out of a crying Dora the Explorer’s weak hands and showed off my dominance by letting out a mighty roar, “Explore this, bitch!” I thought that was pretty clever. As I ran from the scene like a great ape some dad started chasing me. He was a lard-o, no biggie, escaped to the sounds of him huffing and puffing, yelling at me, “Stooooooop!” It was a really long and drawn out like that.
I decided to take cover from honking horns of cars on a main street I was lurking and onto a less-busy, more vulnerable side street. It was there I saw my greatest prize of the night: Four children with loads of candy accompanied by a slutty vampire mom.
There were no other trick or treat’ers in sight. So I frolicked over very brashly with my dong swinging from left to right and asked the slutty vampire mom where I could find a banana. As the children let out an instantaneous shriek of “ew” I barked not to fuckin’ move! And that this was a goddamn stick up. Then I looked them all dead in the eye and gave an ultimatum.
“You little bitches,” I boldly said. “Either give me your candy or I’m taking your mom to the jungle.”
I had to show them I meant business so I grabbed a hand full of my cock, made eye contact with the mom and starting jerkin’.
The kid dressed as Pikachu started crying while the others stood back in shock and awe at my alpha male supremacy. The slutty vampire mom was in a trance from the situation and stumbled over her words – I think that was just her excuse for getting wet.
As I made my move on her vaginal candy, I heard the unpleasant sound of “Woop! Woop!” (Cop car siren). The spotlight from the car flashed on us, so I leaned over and whispered to slutty vampire mom, “Until next time.”
She let out a sensual gasp. Little slut.
As the red and blue lights swirled and they began their pursuit of me, I abandoned the family and cut down an alley. My escape was going smoothly until a second cop car cut off my exit at the opposite end. It was reminiscent of the movie Boyz In The Hood when Ricky is cornered in the alley and tries to run but gets iced instead.
I dodged my way through a few waves of fat cops but eventually was brought down. The Naked Gorilla was defeated…for now.
I spent the night in a jail cell and have a court date later this month.