………….

Dear Matt,

Here is $50 for your absurd win over The Hot Carls. Congratulations.

…(Smiling, you gladly reach for the money, but I hold on as you try to snatch it away). But here’s what I want you to do with it. (Your smile is wiped from your face, noticeably and nervously you take a big gulp of saliva).

Take out Maureen to a real fancy dinner – whatever qualifies as “fancy” with your cheap Italian candy ass. My guess is bringing her to McDonalds would pass as “showing her a good time” to you. Now, while you’re at McDonalds and as you’re surely sounding like a broken record, stuck in loop, going on about how “awesome” you are, you’re going to get a bad feeling in the back of your mind and your gut is going to feel a bit unsettled. But you push it aside and carry on.

As you continue to speak loudly with your mouth full of burger and fries, spitting bits and pieces over the table, you’re going to get that bad feeling again and stop mid-bite of your value meal. You’re going to look Maureen in her blue eyes and she’s going to stare right back into your beady, little black eyes. Her gaze forces your eyes down and you start playing with your hands, anxiously.

Embarrassed, ashamed and broken, you’re going to say, “Maureen, babe, I’m so sorry.” And she, confused, is going to say, “For what?” Letting out an extended exhale, trying to delay the inevitable, you finally stop fidgeting with your weasel-like hands and bring up your beady, little black eyes to meet hers.

“Well, golly gee, this is tough. Playoffs are coming up in the fantasy league and when I meet Jordan…uh, well, um, ooh…I’m going to be cheating on ya,” you say, red-faced. “Jordan is going to be fucking me all week like a little bitch, just like a rhino fucking a piglet!”

(Maureen, thunderstruck and speechless at what her boyfriend, her jabroni boyfriend is saying).

“I know this is hard for you, Maureen. But it’s only going to be a week of me getting fucked raw with his meat sword and then we can go to the abortion clinic and vacuum Jordan’s bastard out of my fallopian tubes.”

(Maureen stops eating).

“Well, gee whiz, I’m glad that’s off my chest. Now how about we get back to this fancy meal bestowed upon us and we can plan sneaking into a movie later, or walking out on a bill for some drinks, or or or siphon some gas. Gee, don’t I spoil you, babe?”

Sincerely,

Jordan “The Hottest of All Carls”

Enclosed in envelope check list:
• $50
• Foreshadowing letter
• Sketch of rhino fucking a piglet for visual interpretation

*WARNING GRAPHIC DRAWING*

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

YOU’VE BEEN WARNED

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
STILL HERE, EH?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
YOU’RE MY KIND OF GUYS
.
.
.
.
.

.
.
.
.
.
ALRIGHT, HERE IT IS, Y’ALL!

By Sean Mac

The independent internet provider Teksavvy is ideal for internet users who want cheap access to the web, but don’t ask them to take a bullet when confronted to give up thousands of customer’s information so they can be sued for file sharing, because they are helping pull the trigger. Voltage Pictures LLC, a company known for producing Hurt Locker is slowly but surely working out the legal mumbo jumbo on how to sue Canadians while Teksavvy is warning its lucky select customers that Voltage is going after their file sharing ass’s  American style. SUE, SUE, SUE!

So this Jimmy streamed a $10 movie for free you say? I should be able to ruin his life by the weekend.

Now I’m not going to pretend to fully understand how this is going to work. You readers will easily see through my ill-informed under researched bullshit. If Voltage wants to shakedown some 20 year old student/ McDonald’s employee named Jimmy for thousands of dollars so they can show Hollywood they aren’t pussies, then they’re going to do it.  Really all I want to do out of this little piece is highlight a few companies that are in some way profiting from the file sharing world. These companies are the ones actually making the money, while Jimmy is just doing what all the Jimmy’s are doing.  Here are some popular advertisements that pop-up when on the file sharing sites.

First I got a free shampoo sample in the mail, now this! Great day.

Free-Live-Cams.  Have you been masturbating on webcams with complete strangers for years but are getting tired of paying for it? This Ad claims it has found the secret on how to do it for FREE! Now let’s just forget for a moment that there’s tons of way’s to watch someone diddle themselves for free on the internet and pretend this advertisement has the answers. They aren’t doing this for free. It isn’t some guy that just wants to share this amazing information to the world so everyone can use both hands for a wank instead of one hand holding a credit card. There is a reason why this advertisement pops up on any major streaming website.  Maybe Voltage should take one of its fingers out Jimmy’s bum and point it at this suspicious company.

Play 888poker, cause what else are you doing?

888poker.com is just another fucking poker website like any other fucking poker website except for a couple of fucking differences; it has UFC fighter George fucking St-Pierre for its poster boy, and it pops up almost every fucking time when using a streaming website. It’s as annoying as the word “fuck” when it just shows up for no real reason other than to get your attention.  This is a legit website with a big name fighter attached to it so why is Jimmy on his knees swallowing the combusting rod that is Voltages manhood? Jimmy just watched a movie, while 888poker is drawing in new customers on a daily basis. Voltage needs to take its rod out of Jimmy’s now dry mouth and use it to tap on the shoulder of this website.

Music isn’t about the lyrics, or instruments, or even singing. Its about……just look how hot we are!

If Voltage is going to sue anyone it should be this absolutely horrible music group, The Ex Girlfriends. Porn actress Lupe Fuentes is tired of sucking dick on video and wants to start sucking figurative dick with her music band. This music video advertisement  pops up on all streaming websites with loud auto tune singing that puts Lil Wayne to shame.  They are as talented as the person right now posting another Harlem Shake video. Everything about the pop group is above annoying and according to the YouTube count they have been able to find over 2million people to watch their video. So why is Jimmy being sued? Why is Jimmy being tracked down by Voltage?  Lupe Fuentes might not want to have sex on film anymore but now she’s just trading places with Jimmy who has to masturbate a man with his feet to pay off Voltages shake down fee.

Put that book down Jimmy, and take your socks off.

These are just a few of the companies that are hiding behind Jimmy, but these are general benefactors of the streaming industry that are being ignored. There are people that pay for cable and sit through advertisements on television while waiting for their show to start, and there’s Jimmy who pays for his internet and goes to a website where he has to watch advertisements like these while waiting for his show to buffer.  In the eyes of Jimmy and all the other Jimmy’s, there just isn’t much of a difference. Voltage should focus on these advertisement  benefactors, while trying to come up with a modern method for people to view their product.  Leave Jimmy alone!

Both sides turned up the dial and brought food into this grotesque cake mix of war.  The dreaded waft of hidden food rotting in each of our rooms haunts my nostrils.  Door locks are installed only to be tampered with and broken.  Biological warfare has reared it’s ugly face.  We knew the day would come.  Used, snotty handkerchiefs are rubbed on door handles and laptop keys.

In my darkest hours, I used the cover of night and picked a baby’s diaper out of the trash bin of the daycare centre across the street, plugged my nose with one hand and with the other stretched as far away from my body holding the diaper with my thumb and index finger, I dashed like Donovan Bailey inside the house.  I gave Denise’s shiny, golden coloured door knob a jiggle while she slept, it was unlocked…idiot…I opened up the diaper like a cardboard box and swung her door wide open heaving in the exposed diaper with one motion.  The aftermath wasn’t friendly.  The cold winter months have been unkind with sicknesses and coughs and dishonourable warfare.

On top of the power struggle with Denise, the neighbours downstairs, the dread neighbours, launched their own assault and have turned this into a three party war.  The cramped laundry room – the unprotected, undefended flower of the house.  Still with its maidenhood, still a beautiful rose, yet to be uprooted.  That all changed when the neighbours declared war and executed their version of Pearl Harbour.

Him – the brains of the outfit.  He thinks and rationalizes when and where to move on us.  Her – the brawn, the unpredictable guns blazing, shoot ‘em up and ask questions later kind of cowboy.  She’s a hot-tempered dragon that spits period blood instead of fire. Their code names: the Brain and the Dragon.

I can outshine him in war games any day…her though…she acts on impulse and has balls bigger than watermelons with her finger always on the button.  You have to be careful around volatile Neanderthals like her.  The need to show unpredictability in return is vital… It’s how I keep them at bay…for now.

The laundry room was never even considered between Denise and I…it was an unsaid safe zone… it was a penis without a condom, so to speak.  And then the penis started jizzing everywhere – on our face, our back, up our fallopian tubes – mayhem ensued.  It started with the washing machine making our clothes more dirty than clean. Oh, we’d find this and that mixed in with our clothes – salsa, crushed coffee beans, what I expected to be rabbit feces.  Then the dryer would over dry our clothes, shrinking them into comical sizes suited for clowns.  We weren’t happy clowns.

An alliance was spoken briefly between Denise and I.  However it swiftly ceased after my failed attempt to push her down a flight of steps.  She grabbed onto a railing.  Crafty girl.  Not really clever for trusting me, though.

Denise launched a counter blow on our neighbours fortress.  From the best of my knowledge from my nameless sources who whisper here and there.  Her attack, I thought, was tasteless, absurd, demented, despicable, vile, and disgraceful.  It made me jealous I hadn’t thought of it first.  Denise left an anonymous letter stating she had slept with the Brain and she had to come clean to the Dragon.  I heard faint arguments from the Brain and Dragon through the floor boards days after.  The Dragon was erupting with period blood through every orifice and lashed out on the closest being to her, the Brain…Poor bastard.  Denise the Diabolical, I call her now, or the Disease.  It was a good move… Too good.

To be continued…

- Tanner

I’ve received quite a few e-mails over the past couple weeks, and that old saying kept coming to mind, “There are no stupid questions, only stupid answers.”  I won’t lie, a lot of these proved that wrong.  But let’s get to them anyway.

In your experience from speaking with friends, etc, how many girls fantasize about being raped?

Dear Rapey McGee,

A lot of girls like to be dominated.  It doesn’t mean you want to physically be forced into sexual contact with a homeless man in an alley, but role playing with your significant other could be fun.
I would say at least 60% of the girls I’ve talked about it with are into it.  I’ve heard of this being fucking hot, and also incredibly awkward.  Laughter can often be a boner kill, so watch out.

I enjoy a good BJ every now and again but my live-in gf doesn’t like to do that. When we are in bed I will go down on her, half expecting that when I am done she will reciprocate but she never does… On the rare occasions when she does give me a BJ she seems to enjoy it well enough so I’m not sure what the problem is. How do I let her know that I would enjoy that every now and again without making a big deal out of it?

Dear Orally Denied,

In these situations you have to step up and ask what is stopping her from helping a brotha’ out.  It is my strong belief that when you love someone, you should want to show them that in every way possible – oral sex is an important part of that.

You live together, you must have seen each other at your best and worst, ask her what the deal is.  I hate to say it, but chances are she probably does not enjoy doing it.  If she loved it, you would know.

Or fuck all that, and do the old grab her head and push it towards your penis trick.  I know most of the random guys I hook up with do that.

What is the best game of all time, Mortal Kombat or Donkey Kong?

Dear Gamer,

OBVIOUSLY Donkey Kong.  More specifically, Donkey Kong Country for Super Nintendo.  Fucking gold.

 Is it superficial of me to dump a girl because she has no imagination in bed?

Dear Kinky N’ Bored,

I think it is in your best interest to at least try and coax out a more sexual side from the girl.  I was a shy young thing once, and all it took was one guy to put in a little time and effort to release my inner sexual deviant.

Take some time.  Give it a try. If she is unwilling to try anything, boring, and frigid in bed – drop it like it’s hot. It is not superficial if you are not satisfied.  But be a man and tell her the real reason why.

ive been dating my current gf for 2 years. i love her and she loves me but i noticed we’ve drifted apart a bit the last 6 or 7 months. how do i spice things up?

Dear faggot,

Time for the BBC.

I’m lookin to get into a new series, what’s a good one? (lame girl shows need no apply)

Dear (probably fat) TV enthusiast,

Breaking Bad – It’s the best.  Game of Thrones, nigga.  Dexter.  Well, The Bachelor never hurt anyone, know’em sayin’?

Boom.

Out of 10 dicks, how many of those dicks smell bad?

Dear Smelly Penis Guy,

I’ve only encountered one in my life, out of, I don’t even know.  It was a bad time.  Honestly, it was so fucked, he had been drinking in the sun all day and knew we were going to be hooking up, like, did he not know?  I pretended to sleep after I was about to go down on him.  You can’t even imagine this.  And I never saw him again.  He texted me but I never responded.

most fingers u’ve had inside u at once??????

Dear Chronic Masturbator,

Three. You sick fuck.

Do straight girls get off on cam like gay dudes do?

Dear Getting Off,

Have you ever been on a porn site or chat roulette? Everyone does it – girls, guys, trannies, gays, lesbians, blacks.

————————————–

Got a question for the next Ask A Girl! ? Email: askagirl@live.com

The bedroom door is closed, sunlight is pushing through the only window hugging everything it touches, Selena Gomez and Miley Cyrus posters are hung in pride on the used-to-be snowy white walls that have turned to a film of weeping yellow from years of cigarette smoke.

No one’s home and the web cam’s on “Record.”  The sunglasses are being worn indoors, proudly, only the way a rock star could pull off…our rock star…the rock star whom tells the world how it REALLY is, the what’s what, the rock star who doesn’t care if he rattles a few cages, ruffles a few feathers, rustles the entire thread’s jimmies… He is Maxx Calin. The Double X rock star.

Maxx has been an immaculate inspiration for The Drinking Hat.  A countless number of his mind opening and moving quotes have woken us up to the world we live in and have been the difference between sitting on the couch playing Mario Kart Wii, and going out and acting on the vision he speaks of to try an make a difference.

Well folks, I’m glad we’re finally able to enlighten everyone on what Maxx has been preaching for two years.  I, personally, hope you’ll become as motivated and inspired as the once young, naive lad I was after reading these.

—————————————————————–

Now on to the main event, Trollin’ Plenty of Fish 2.  Although the feedback from the first one was positive, there will not be anymore POF trollin’ from The Drinking Hat…well, at least from me, anyway.

I’ve decided to use my evil prowess to fuck with the people whom really deserve it – the Internet scammers, other trolls, and general pieces of shit on the Internet.  POF is child’s play.  Fuckin’ with scumbags whom are out to get you and me is my ecstasy…my double-barrel orgasm.

For those who don’t know, Plenty of Fish is a free Internet dating website. A lot of hotties and even more notties frequent there.

So without further ado, the last trollin’ POF of The Drinking Hat.

She actually has a kid.

I’m a hyper active social networking kind of guy.  Let’s just say I’m big on the whole Internet thing.  I have (or had) accounts on Facebook, Twitter, Myspace, MSN Messenger, ICQ, Youtube, Yahoo, some forums, I’ve been administer for various blogs/websites, and Blah blah blah I’ve done a bunch of shit on the Internet.  I was going to list more but that seemed like a better fit.  Fuck Meebo.

My generation grew up with the Internet and using social media.  Maybe this is why my generation is the worst.  Everything is in our laps and all knowledge known to mankind at our fingertips and we use it looking at cats.

With all that digital information out there, we need something comforting to keep us coming back for more.  Like take myself for instance: spending half my day online, checking social media websites, porn, news, Youtubing people hurting themselves, stumbling upon shit and going through stats on my Hockey fantasy roster then pondering whether I should drop New York Rangers goalie Henrik Lundqvist for not buying me dinner after he fucked me last week!

“And I won’t be calling you either!”

There’s a ton of sweet shit on the Internet, we can agree on that.  Last summer I decided to take the plunge into the dark waters of Google + and give it a shot.  Google + is a social media extension of the search engine Google (no shit, eh?)

And among all the Facebook homepage updates, tweets and butt fuckings in fantasy hockey, I’ve never actually been interested in knowing what’s happening over at Google +.  And neither have you apparently.

And just to be clear, when I categorize Google + among other social media sites, I categorized it under the miscarriage of aborted incest fetuses of social media sites.

Google + to Google is like what Meth is to Lindsay Lohan.

Even then, Google + doesn’t have as many living things on it as Lohan does on her cheese sliz.

For a company as recognizable as Google and the multi-million daily hits it gets through its search engine, Google + is a vast sea of nothing.

Listen, if you were thinking about getting Google + (who am I kidding, you’ve never heard of it until I mentioned it now) then let me do you a solid and try talking you out of registering for it.

It’s Regurgitated Social Media

Google + is a replica of every other social media website.  It just ripped shit off.  Hey, Google +, listen, Facebook already ripped off Myspace and MSN and did a much better job of it than you did!

Google + is a hack.  Google + would actually be Carlos Mencia if it was fat and a lesbian.  It’s just Facebook but with fewer people. Like, way way WAY fewer people.  And what’s the point of having a party if no one shows up?

Well, let’s get into what of Google + offers, shall we?  You can upload your photos and videos, have a live chat, create an event, explore what’s trending on Google, add friends, add a bio about yourself with school info, relationship info, etc., update your cover photo, post statuses on your home page (sound familiar?) and hey, it has communities so you can see which diverse range of blimp-sized gamers you belong to.  Communities are no different from “Groups” on Facebook.  But they were put into extinction two-years ago.

Let me tell you a thing about communities:  Fuck ‘em!  An Internet community is like walking through the park.  You’re going to encounter fat, screaming children; you’ll cringe upon realizing most people interacting with you would fail grade three English; and piles of dog shit lay everywhere.  And eventually you’re going to step in some wearing new shoes, and nobody wants that.  Except Sean Mac, who is a Copromaniac.  The guy loves poop.  He plays with his own in the bathtub.  True Story.

I’m sorry, I didn’t list the advantages of having Google +?  Oh right…

What’s original about it?  What’s groundbreaking?  Why would I leave Facebook for Google +?  It doesn’t offer anything other than the Google brand name.  Planet Earth picked a side and Google + lost.

Youtube Is No Longer The Anonymous Wild West

Google owns Youtube. So getting Google + and using the same email as your Youtube account, your anonymous Youtube comments can become your actual name.  And what’s the fun of Youtube comments if you can’t be an asshole anymore?  Gone are the days of unprovoked mayhem and calling someone a “fag” or saying videos are “fake and gay” while safely grinning behind your Mr. X Youtube mask.  Whoa whoa whoa!   But that’s what Youtube is all about!  Well, you do have the option to use your original Youtube user name or your real one.

This fucking thing pops up every time you want to call someone a fag so going through all the “Not Nows” gives you a minute to reconsider calling that fag a fag.  They ask you every time if you want to use your real name.  Don’t.  They’re using Jedi mind tricks and it will ruin your juvenile fun.

It’s Established As Something Else Already

Why do we use Google in the first place?  That’s right, to cyber stalk our exes!  I’ll post some tips later for first time cyber stalkers on my What Real Men Do blog.  But above all, Google is world-renowned for primarily two things: 1. Searching (mostly for porn and fucked up shit,) and 2. Google Maps.

It doesn’t have room for more!  We can’t handle it being a social media outlet too. Google + is the fourth attempt at a successful social media enterprise for Google.  Others that came and went are Google Buzz, Google Friend Connect and Orkut.  Change is scary and bad, Google.  We’ve hit our comfort zone with Facebook and it doesn’t appear the tides will ever shift in Google +’s favour.

Everyone uses Google, the search engine, or Google, the cyber map.  But the same can’t be said for Google, the social media website.

If you have Facebook or even Twitter then you’ll get by just fine without Google +.

Google +: The Baron Wasteland

I remember the water cooler chitchat about Myspace.  I remember the buzz about Facebook, and Twitter.  Never do I hear anyone speak of Google + and how “awesome it is” or that people are “missing out” if they don’t have it.

Launched in June 2011, Google + says they have 500 million users, 235 activate being active, and I’ve yet to meet one who isn’t in journalism…

So why is it so bad?  Why aren’t people swarming this social site like they did for Myspace or Facebook?  The main reason is obvious and it’s Google’s iceberg.  Google basically made a duplicate of its rival’s site and didn’t even make it a better version.  Seriously, how many chain-smoking monkeys on typewriters at Google’s headquarters believed this brilliant idea would fly?

Put it this way, you wouldn’t downgrade to a discman after you’ve used an iPod, so why would websites be any different.

Start digging the grave and preparing the tombstone.  But I have a suggestion for Google + and its inevitable demise:  go all out.  Spend some time to really plan this and make it the best damn social media funeral there ever was.  If you do this one thing right, I say that would be as sweet tasting as any victory.  Because when Zuckerberg goes down and isn’t able to top Google +’s fireworks?  Well, dare I say Hitler’s final days in the bunker…

Spun Out is a new multi-cam sitcom produced by CTV, starring Kids in the Halls Dave Foley. The show follows a young failed writer played by Paul Campbell that ended up getting a job at a “dysfunctional Public Relations firm”. I had a chance to watch a live taping of this new comedy, and although the nearly 5 hour live studio audience taping event was not a complete episode, I can full heartedly say this is not a show I will be watching.

This “new” sitcom is really nothing new at all. In fact, once you see Dave Foleys character Dave Lyons walk into the office and sit at his desk you will immediately be reminded of his 90’s sitcom show News Radio. That’s not the issue I have though. My problem is that Spun Out reminds me of every other sitcom that has come out since the 80’s, while having nothing distinctively interesting about it. When watching it from the bleachers as an audience member I could instantly recognize this cookie cutter sitcom trying its best to become the next Big Bang Theory. The thing is Big Bang has an interesting nerdy theme that is relatable to this generation, all the while being obscure and laughable to the older crowd.  Spun Out on the other hand is just a bunch of attractive people that are a bit quirky working together at a high profile Public Relations firm.

The humor in the show is the typical multi-cam sitcom humor.

A-“I was walking down the street when some homeless guys threw a beer can at me”

B- “Well that was stupid”,

A- “I know right”

B-“He could of got 10 cents for that can”, cue laugh track.

That wasn’t one of the jokes but I hope it makes my point. Here’s a joke, hope you like it, move on to next joke.

One of the things that bothered me about watching this show is that the women aren’t funny. Yes these people are professional actors, and they have performed on various comedy shows, but none of them are comedians, or naturally comedic. There are tons of women out there that do stand-up comedy, that do sketch comedy acting and writing, or even just have a comical persona to them but are never seen on television. Instead we the audience are force fed these female actors that don’t fully understand how to tell a joke, and to me it shows.

I’m a picky guy when it comes to comedy. So I will say that while I was not laughing at the jokes, a decent chunk of the studio audience was. Whether it was sincere laughter, or because we were asked to laugh I don’t know. But I know there were people that generally liked this show’s humor.

For me the best experience that I was impressed with was the comedian Graham Chittenden whose job was to entertain the audience while different scenes were being set up. Graham was funny, had great relatable stand up bits, and entertained us spectators for the full 5 hours of taping. 5 hours, and he kept the audience going the whole time. Wow. Seriously, I don’t know how he did it, but he did.

So Spun Out is just not my cup of tea. Its formulaic, it’s campy, it’s predictable, and it’s been done before. If you like shows like 2 Broke Girls, and Two & a Half Men (with Ashton Kutcher) then this show will probably entertain you.  For the rest of us, just stick with watch you’re watching for now. I’m sure something good will come.

_______________________________________________________________

I came clean with my roommates.  My self sexual voyage, or intimate reawakening, in their rooms received mixed reactions.  The roomies, Denise and Douglas were firmly against my actions – especially Denise.  Myself, on the other hand, was passionately for the new activity I’d done.  I tried my best to explain to them that it would bring us together as a house and that I’ve already watched them masturbate plenty of times on the house cams I bought – for security purposes.

Hey, the house cams are a safety thing.  Don’t give me shit like they did about the house cams either, which lead to me uninstalling them.  They would have been glad I got them if and when someone burglarized our house or if we start encountering some paranormal shit.  But that would be awesome and I’d let the ghost kiddies play.

And so what if they had been only set up in their rooms.  Those rooms are the most vulnerable to thieves and ghost monsters.  If anything I should be thanked, and Denise should make me a turkey dinner and given me a back massage but she’s always dodging the kitchen duties and massages.

Speaking of Denise, as previously stated, I found her room to be the most delightful to masturbate in.  She objected when I told her her bed had a comforting feeling like none I’ve experienced before – no wonder all the guys she brings home and beds fall asleep right after.  Personally, I’d want to leave right after, cause you know, who wants to stay after? Haha, that’s not the mans way – that’s not the American way.  But I can’t blame them after I found myself laying down and then taking a two-hour nap on it.

I quickly realized why Denise was more upset than Douglas.  I had done the deed and spread my seed in both their beds but one was much more upset.  Why?  Less than a day after jerkin’ in her room, it started to happen.  My crotch was unbelievably itchy.   After a long period of rubbing my burning pork stick on the edge of a table I went to the washroom to examine.

My examination turned into a dreadful discovery.  There was some thing(s) alive and moving through my curly auburn pubic hair.  Was it?  Could it be?  FUUUU!  It was!  Fucking lice on my dick!  Crabs!  AAAH!  How could this happen?  How can they live on her bed?  Was there a fucking colony of crabs that were thriving on potato chip crumbs, pillow drool and bits and pieces of period chocolate that scattered in between her disgusting, cum smeared sheets?

The thought made me shudder uneasily.  I mean really, I don’t even think it’s possible for this to have happened.  This is a goddamn charade.  I had to shave my penis hair off like a goddamn Brazilian surfer.

She explained how she brought home and slept with some random from the bar the previous night.  Some slob no doubt.  She was prone to bring them home.  That’s where she got crabs.

Did “Project Stranger” ever fuck me sour.  But my scheming isn’t done.  Oh, no, no.  The crabs means war, whether she knows it or not.  I’m currently in the process of plotting my next diabolical and shocking siege against my roommate (Denise the Bitch) for this travesty…and another foe has emerged in the midst of all this tomfoolery – the Unthoughtful Neighbours..

Talk soon,

- Tan Van 3000

Fuck the police.

The sad reality that Teachers are having sexual relations with students is still among us in the year 2013. A 34 year old female High School teacher in South Carolina has been accused of bringing an innocent 17 year old male to her home so she could use him to perform various sexual acts.

Kinsley Wentzky, seen here looking around 5’4, 115lbs, with a tight body, and decent breasts was the English teacher at the High School where she met the poor young victim. There is no confirmation on how this relationship started, but it is more than likely the young man was working hard on his English report when the athletic tanned teacher wearing a shorter than appropriate mini skirt approached the hard working gentleman. A strong probability suggests Mrs. Wentzky then dropped a pencil near the young student, having to now pick up her writing utensil she bends over exposing her freshly purchased G-sting from Victoria Secret. The student now feeling uncomfortable high fives his male friends agreeing what she did was ”inappropriate” and “un-cool”.

Wanting to discuss the event with his teacher nick named “Forbidden Fruit”, he agreed to a meeting at her home where he was asked to bring a bottle of his parent’s best wine and lots of chocolate putting. Once arrived at his attractive teacher’s home she answered the door wearing an extremely short see through bath robe. The student knew right away that this meeting was not just about her exposing her perfect ass.

Fathers, is this what you want for your sons?

This story is just another sad sad reality check that young male students aren’t even safe from older, attractive, sexually driven women while in school. This young male for the rest of his life will be scarred with memories of a youthful looking woman riding on top of his body, screaming out her orgasms while her perky breasts bounce in his face. My heart goes to this young man. I hope he can live a full and normal life.

By Sean Mac

Grace is waiting to hear from you, what are you waiting for? Email Grace at  askagirl@live.com