By Jordan DCS

At 2:34 a.m. the body of Matthew Le Blanc was found face down in the children splash zone pool at the Grand Austintenial Resort in Orlando, Florida.

Investigators determined his life had ended some time between 2:15 a.m. and the time of discovery. The body was found when a four-year-old boy named Timmy was woken by Matthew and one or two others being disruptive and causing a commotion. Timmy peaked out his window and told his parents.

“I saw a mermaid tonight!” Innocent minded Timmy told investigators of Matthew’s body floating like a beach ball.

Innocent Little Timmy

This murder needed to be solved and quick, damn it. The resort had to keep this sort of thing under the radar for tourism purposes. So they called in the first investigator on the list.

Detective Sonja Maurin wakes up to a buzzing cell phone; she rolls over; hacks up a wet cough then spits on her floor; that’s right, her bedroom floor where she sleeps at night; she answers her phone.

“Tell me this is God and I’m on my way to Hell,” says a dehydrated Sonja. She reaches to her bedside table and grabs a half empty bottle of Pepto Bismol and starts chugging like no tomorrow.

“I’ll be there in an hour,” she says and hangs up.

“God damnit.”

Two and a half hours later Sonja pulls up in her run down Jeep and steps out tired, almost Zombie-like and reeking of whiskey and broken dreams.

“Alright, I’m here, give me a run down of the suspects,” the detective says in a gritty voice. Sonja wears a typical Dick Tracy-esque get up from the 1930’s that includes trench coat and fedora, which is an odd choice considering it’s 2011.

A fresh-faced policeman starts giving her the run down of the suspects.

Suspect #1: Grace Biro, Matthew’s girlfriend.
Suspect #2: Sean MacIntyre, Matthew’s half-brother.
Suspect #3: Katie Morton, the resort manager.
Suspect #4: Steff Kovacs, a resort bartender.
Suspect #5: Erfan Al-Keilani, around during the time of the murder.

“Get his bimbo girlfriend in the interrogation room immediately!” Sonja says to the fresh-faced policeman. “Lets see if this By-Row has any idea what the fuck happened.” The last part Sonja loudly said to herself.

Grace is escorted to a typical dark interrogation room with a lamp on a desk, a chair and good ol’ fashioned turned-off-security-camera justice.

Sitting in the chair with nerves climbing up her legs, Grace seems to have a nervous twitch. She can’t help to scratch her left shoulder out of impulse. Grace looks on as the detective walks into the room and closes the door. Sonja sparks up a colt cigarette, the only cigarette tough enough for her.

“Okay, By-Row,” Sonja takes an abnormally long drag of her cigarette (we’re talking like 12 seconds later), “Tell me a play-by-play of what happened,” exhaling a seemingly never-ending cloud of smoke.

Calmly Grace tells her story, maybe too calm Sonja wonders.

“Okay, well, I’ve seen Matthew drunk before but never drunk and out of control. I think we arrived at the resort yesterday around nine-ish in the morning, and by ‘we’ I mean Matthew and I as a couple and Matthew’s half brother, Sean… He came along for some reason. Oh yeah and Sean brought Spunkie, his damn Pomeranian dog.

The entire trip Matthew had been talking about how wasted he would be getting. It was no surprise that he started drinking shortly after we arrived. This was like right after the resort said they didn’t start serving alcohol until 10 a.m.. I remember Matthew getting so upset and telling the entire staff to eat penguin shit. He literally went up to any staff member and told them to eat penguin shit, even if they didn’t know what happened.

* Shoulder scratch *

I did my best to keep Matthew out of the public until he demanded that we went the resort’s bar. This was around 11 p.m. at the bar now and Matthew was really hammered. He started calling Sean names and saying how much he hated Spunkie. I thought it was pretty funny at first until I realized Sean wasn’t really talking much after that.

Then Matthew was talking to some random guy, Erfan or something, they seemed to really hit it off and left together for about an hour before returning to the bar. Matthew didn’t have his shirt on when they came back for whatever reason. At that point I had just stopped asking questions.

*Shoulder Scratch *

I was pretty fed up with Matthew being so belligerent so I told him I was going to sleep in Sean’s room. He kind of grunted at me like a wild ape and that’s the last time I saw him alive.”

Detective Sonja ponders for a moment. “Right, so you’re saying he was with Erfan last?”

“Yes,” says Grace as she starts to cry.

Grace gets up and exits the room crying and scratching herself and Erfan is escorted into the interrogation room.

A heavy, bearded man in his late 20’s; Erfan stands out in a crowd being 6 foot 10 inches.

“Alright, Erfan, I’ve got reason to believe you were the last person with Matthew at the time of his death.”

Sonja turns her back to Erfan bringing out a bottle of Pepto Bismol from her jacket. Struggling, she turns the cap and plants her mouth around the pink relief, then takes moment for it to settle.

She turns back around.

“Let’s hear your version of the night.”

“I’m the type of guy who can appreciate another guy doing fucked up shit for others amusement. And this guy seemed to be on a mission to do just that. I came into the bar around 11:25 and Matthew was yelling at this guy and his dog. He was saying he wanted punt the dog into the pool with an NFL turbo kick.

Everyone in the bar thought it was funny so I started talking to him and we made fun of that guy and his dog some more.

After about seven or eight drinks together Matthew said he had an awesome idea. He had a look in his eye like he was about to do some grimy shit; you know that look? And I can appreciate that. So we left the bar and went to his room. Well, actually, he told me to wait outside until he was done.

After about 15 minutes I was about to leave when he finally opened the door barely able to speak because he was laughing so hard, and told me to come look. I walked in and was pretty shocked because he had smeared his own shit all over the walls, and written UFC on one of them. Thankfully he was cleaned up when I came in but I saw his shit covered shirt all bunched up in the corner of the room; it was pretty gross.

I’ll admit, I wanted to get the fuck out of there and away from him but there was also something keeping me there; something about this guy I could appreciate. He said he wasn’t done just yet and called front desk and told them he needed a replacement bible and to just come in and drop it off.

After that we headed back to the bar. Oh yeah, he went down shirtless to the bar. It was kind of creepy but hilarious at the same time. Then we had about six more drinks before I headed to my room for the night around 1:45. Matthew said he had some ‘unfinished business’ with the resort staff or something. And that’s the last I heard of him.”

“Hm, so you think maybe the bartender would have some ideas then?”

“Yeah, it’s possible.”

Erfan leaves and a young female bartender is escorted into the interrogation room.

Sonja thinks to herself that she already doesn’t like this bimbo.

“So your name is Steff Kovacs and you’re the bartender here?”

“Yeup, that’s m-“ “Shut up!” Sonja interrupts. “I didn’t say you could speak just yet.” Sonja stares her down and makes things uncomfortable.

“Now, princess, tell me what you saw and what you heard.”

A little shaken up and now more uncomfortable Steff says what she saw and heard.

“Obviously working as a bartender I get to see a lot of drunk people be total jerks. Well this Le Blanc guy, I’d never seen anyone that drunk and that much of an ass.

He came in around quarter after 11 with a girl and a guy and was being really loud and obnoxious to the servers and other guests. Then one of the server girls came up to me and pointed him out and said, ‘that guy, right there! He was the guy that told me I looked like parrot shit,’ or something. There were at least three different staff members that had told me the exact same thing that day.

Then I heard, ‘BAM!’ So I looked over and Matthew had thrown his drink glass on the ground and was cursing out the guy he came in with. Something about a dog that everyone seemed to think was pretty funny. But the look on that guy’s face after was really heart breaking.

After that some guy kept buying him drinks and they left together for a bit… Hey, if they wanted to go off and have sex, who am I to discriminate, right?

It had gotten so busy at the bar so I forgot about them but eventually they came back. Then later, Matthew left with the guy he originally came in with. Maybe to make up or something… I don’t know, I heard gay couples fight a lot, is that true?

Anyway this was like 2 a.m. now and before Matthew left he slurred some words at me, I think it was about my ass. Like I get enough drunk straight creeps hitting on me, I don’t need gay men with no shirts on doing it too.

Like five minutes after they left, the resort manager came in and told me she just got back from some person’s room that was covered in shit. I mean like really? How much of a pig to you have to be? She left like after she told me that.

Anyway that’s how my night went.”

“Listen, I don’t like you and you don’t like me,” Sonja says and stares down Steff.

About 20 seconds pass of uncomfortable silence.

“Now get out of here!”

Steff gets up and walks out.

“Bitch,” Sonja mutters.

Now it’s Sean who has his turn with the detective. His pet Pomeranian accompanies him into the room.

“So, you’re Sean and this is… Spunkie? Is that right?”

“Yeah, that’s my big man! Say, how did you know that you big silly?”

“I ask the questions around here!” Sonja barks. “Now, what’s the correct spelling of your dog’s name for the record?”

Spunkie starts to growl.

“It’s okay, honey,” Sean pats the perturbed Pomeranian. “Well it’s S-P-U-N-K-I, with a little heart over top, and E, as in, ‘Ecstasy? Yes, please!’”

Sean throws a pill into his mouth that Sonja doesn’t see.

Not really listening, “Alright, well why don’t you tell me about your night… I’m sorry, your and Spunkie’s night.”

“Well, where to start? Let’s see, I’ll come out and say I’m real sorry my half brother is dead but the son of a bitch – not my mum – deserved it.”

Sonja’s eyebrows rise in surprise.

“I didn’t do it obviously, Mrs. Detective. But he was just being a total douche bag to me! He even threatened to kick Spunkie!”

Spunkie barks.

“It’s alright, hun, he can’t hurt you anymore…. So okay, we get to the resort and he’s already drunk, like, I turn my back for one second and bang, he’s drunk. Then he’s like fighting with the staff because his one-eyed whore mother raised him red neck. All the commotion really upset Spunkie, which Matthew didn’t like. He kept giving Spunkie the stink eye like he was a person or something. It’s pretty unsettling the way Matthew looks when he’s drunk and mad, almost like a mix between a sweaty, sewer rat and Michael Cera.

Later on, I had just laid out my new cute Gianfranco Ferre short’s and shirt for the next day as Spunkie looked on when Matthew literally kicked my door open. I thought I was about to be murdered! Matthew didn’t even say anything right away, he just stared at Spunkie like that rat-Michael Cera thing. Then he finally said we were heading down to the bar. I wasn’t complaining, I had just bought a brand new Armani tank top to DIE for and my pec’s needed a little showing off.

Anyway, we went to the resort bar and everyone was either Guido; smelled like Kim Kardashian’s latest disaster ‘Gold’, was ugly or a combination of all three. Even the waitresses and bartenders looked like they were the pirates of the Caribbean – and I’m not talking about the movie, honey.

So first thing at this bar Matthew totally humiliates me and threatens Spunkie in front of his mannish girlfriend, Grace! It was so embarrassing; it was a good thing no one else really noticed. Then as I was being bored out of my mind sitting next to tomboy, Grace, Matthew decides to wander off. Like are we invisible or something?

He finally came back around one-thirty in the morning – without a shirt on by the way – and was all up on me slurring his words. His breathed smelled like something crawled in there and died. Then he said something like, ‘Sean, we have some revenge to plot’ and just started laughing. By this time, Grace had already told me she was sleeping with Spunks and I and left for bed.

So we left the bar close to two and Matthew was telling me about this plan to – brace yourself – wipe poop, like human poop, all around the pool area. He said he needed my help cause he was all ‘shittered’ out, whatever that meant.  Anyways, I told him he was drunk and gross and I left him as he yelled shit at me as I walked back to my room… I also walked passed some staff person that was walking out to where Matthew was – a girl.

And that’s what happened when I saw him last. I barely even got to show off my pec’s.”

“So, you killed him?”

“What? No. He probably killed himself with alcohol poisoning. I mean, if it’s that obvious to me then why are you here? Oh, and by the way, sweetie, your outfit looks like something Al Capone died in and apparently you didn’t get the memo: The Great Depression is over, hash tag ‘fashion suicide’”.

“I like your style, kid. Now get out of here before I change my mind.”

“I think you mean change your outfit.” Sean gets up and walks out with Spunkie.

Sonja walks out of the interrogation room. “Alright,” she says to the fresh-faced officer. “Let all these suspects go, their testimonies check out. Bring in Morton.”

Katie walks in. She’s presents herself as an accomplished woman who takes her job seriously.

“Have a sit,” Sonja says as she pulls out her Pepto Bismol and slurps it, this time she doesn’t hide it.

“Alright, Morton, you’re running the show around here, just exactly what the hell is going on?”

“Mr. Le Blanc, Ms. Biro and Mr. MacIntyre arrived at the Austintenial yesterday at approximately 9 a.m. upon arrival, Mr. Le Blanc became hostile towards the staff.”

“Because you wouldn’t serve him alcohol?”

“That’s right… I mean if it were up to me we’d be serving alcohol around the clock. The owner set the limits, I tried to fight it but he told me to know my place, I didn’t have… Yes, that’s correct.”

“Okay… So what happened after Matthew ‘became hostile?’”

“Well, Mr. Le Blanc had a few choice words and I assume went to his room for the rest of the day to think about what he had done.”

“Alright, so what happened later in the night, say between 12 a.m. and 1 a.m.?”

“Why nothing… Nothing at all.”

“Well according to my notes, you went to Le Blanc’s room… You know?”


“Right, so you didn’t go to Matthew’s room and find shit smeared all over his walls?”

Katie’s left eye starts to twitch.

“Must have slipped my mind,” Katie says uneasily.

“Well, I also have confirmation from two people that you were in the vicinity of Matthew’s body of the time of death.”

“Is that so?” Katie’s left hand drops into her pocket and pulls out a pack of cigarettes and a liter.

“Mind if I smoke?”

“Not at all, now how about you tell me the rest of your night?”

Katie sparks up a cigarette and takes a drag, “After I left the bar I saw Le Blanc sitting by the pool. Son of a bitch. I knew he had disrupted my staff and then prank phone called me. It was ME who discovered that shitty hell! I made that skank, Santina, the Cuban girl I hired, clean it all up, but NO ONE gets away with that kind of stuff with me! I saw him by the pool so I confronted him. He was slurring his words but my blood was so red hot I could only think about how badly this shirtless caveman was going down.

And that’s when it happened.”

Sonja looks on with anticipation, ready to make the arrest.

“Some damn dog came out of the bushes and flung its body at Le Blanc. It was like a little, furry torpedo, knocking Le Blanc into the kiddie pool. As Le Blanc was falling – and screaming like a bitch I might add – he cracked his head on the metal bar you use to grab onto when you walk in and out of the pool. You can check the body for little bite marks around the neck cause that’s how high this dog got… This… Pomeranian dog.”

Sonja gasps as her Pepto Bismol drops to the floor and breaks; she runs out of the room and down the hallway.

“Stop that guy and his dog! Stop that guy!”

It’s far too late however as Sean and Spunkie are already in a cab, on their way home.

“Good, boy,” Sean says.

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