By Jordan DCS
Over the past month my family were undoubtedly questioning my mental state. For you see, I found something — a video game — Original Pokemon for Gameboy.
As soon as I held it in my hands I wanted to write something about this universe that consumed a mega portion of my childhood. But I couldn’t pinpoint exactly what angle I was going to take.
So I started playing it to get that feel again. And what I discovered might shock a lot of people about their beloved childhood game. I know my heart dropped to the floor.
But the truth must be told, and the truth is this isn’t for kids at all and we’re all worse people for having played this game.
8. The Pokemon That Gives Other Pokemon Fellatio
It’s a bright and beautiful day in PokeWorld and my character is strolling through a forest, whistling a tune alongside birds. Walking down the path I notice there’s a trainer hiding out in some shrubs, watching me like in Deliverance.
Cautiously I cross his path as he jumps out to challenge me to a duel that I have no choice in. He looks like the type of trainer that would have malnourished Pokemon – piece of pumpkin pie, I think — I throw out my top Pokemon, Squirtle, because let’s face it; he evolves into something so bad ass its name becomes Wartortle. Fucking Wartortle.
And dick-face trainer throws out a… OH MY GOD, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT?
This Pokemon’s whole offensive strategy is to use its seven-foot long tongue on you until you lose the fight (the size is right out of the game.) Seriously, what kind of shit is that?
Did my Pokemon lose the fight because it was hurt? No. When was the last time anyone ever said, “Yeah, so I fought this guy and he just started licking all over my body, and long story short I lost the fight, bro.”
It doesn’t happen…unless you’re in federal prison, in which case you’ve clearly won the fight.
I’ve heard of people putting peanut butter on their junk so their dogs will lick it off. Should I have just whipped out a jar of peanut butter for Squirtle?
Take a look at some of this alleged sex offender’s very questionable fighting techniques.
Read that list again in succession. That looks like an outline of a premeditated rape and murder if I’ve ever seen it. If I added “Masturbate on Corpse” in between Skull Bash and Rest, would anybody be surprised?
Not only is Lickitung a sex-crazed delinquent, it’s also a murdering shitty excuse of a Pokemon and it stole my and your nine-year-old innocence.
7. Welcome To Lavender Town, The Most Depressing Place On Earth
Imagine this: You emerge from some shitty, dark, dank cave that took you 15 minutes to travel through, into the sunny, warm, fresh scent of outside. You’re on a bit of a mental high sauntering down a path when all of the sudden you see a sign that reads “Lavender Town” AKA Pokemon Death Town.
Everyone in town is… different. Perhaps it’s because a cave and an ocean separate them from neighboring cities. Or maybe it’s that giant fucking cemetery tower engulfing a quarter of the town and 100 per cent of these people’s souls. Oh yeah, the town is full of fucking ghosts too.
The most depressing part about this town isn’t the lady that says, “My Growlithe… Why did you die?” or the man who’s uncontrollably crying at his Clefairy’s grave. The most depressing part about this place is a small Pokemon named Cubone who’s walking up and down the gravestones looking for his DEAD mother.
This pitiful Pokemon is so sad he can’t find his mother that he spends his days, nights, weekends, and every waking moment crying out for his dead mother. I’m 23-years-old and that almost made me cry.
One person in town thinks the ghosts are of the spirits of Pokemon Team Rocket killed…
Team Rocket? From the show? The lovable buffoons that were always blown away at the end of episodes? In the game they actually kill fucking Pokemon!?
Shit just got real. I guess I better take Team Rocket a little more seriously. The game went from having a little fun, to praying my Pokemon and I don’t run into these murderous crooks pretty damn fast.
6. Welcome To Lavender Town, The Creepiest Place On Earth
Lavender Town isn’t just a one-hit wonder.
The creepiness is more from the “Channelers.” They’re mediums that are spread throughout the Cemetery Tower, they all want to fight you in the graveyard. The Channelers say things like they want your blood (no shittin’) and they’ve been possessed; like by demons?
Maybe it’s just me but that’s some questionable script writing for an alleged children’s game.
There’s also one little girl roaming around alone that asks you, “Do you believe in ghosts?” If you say “No” she laughs in your face and says, “I guess not, that white hand on your shoulder isn’t real.”
Pretty creepy, bro.
5. The Peeping Tom/Suspected Stalker/Rapist
Speaking of creeps, the gym in Celadon City is the only gym managed entirely by women. That’s perfectly fine and all except for a particular old man seems to have a considerable boner for this gym and all of its inhabitants.
Meet the creep who hangs outside of the women’s gym. All day. Everyday
As a nine-year-old playing this was I suppose to look at that guy and say out loud, “Fuckin’ creepeeeerrrrr!!!”?
Ladies, what if everyday you went to work there was an old, dirty man just chilling outside, grinning at you with his head tilted forward and fidgeting his hands together, watching you as you entered, peaking through the windows from time-to-time. Then you had to endure the same uncomfortable awkwardness as you left for the day?
After approaching this scumbag and speaking with him he giggled at me and said, “This gym is great! It’s full of women!” I wasn’t sure if I was suppose to high-five him or run away terrified.
Definitely run away terrified.
Aren’t there any laws against such behaviour in the Pokemon universe? Or am I to believe everyone just fights and stalks each other.
4. Robbing Trainers And Getting Robbed Isn’t A Big Deal
After winning a battle, did you notice your pockets were a little bit heavier? That’s right, after Wartortle humiliated so many subpar trainers I didn’t fucking stop there and turned my hero Pokemon on them like the Hood just sprouted up like a giant bean stock. It’s extortin’ time.
This seems to be a universal agreement once you enter the ranks as a “Pokemon Trainer.” Whenever I lost a battle my character would faint and wake up at the hospital with $5000 gone, and one time his anal virginity was gone too.
You could make the argument that a wager was made before the fight actually started but I like my scenario better. Anal raping and all.
3. You Can Name Your Rival
This is the game’s biggest and funniest mistake of all. Think of the one person in the world you just can’t fucking stand. Everyone has that one person. Now all of the sudden you’re thrown into the situation where you get to nickname that cocksucker in your stupid Pokemon world.
At first it might give you tingling sensation like if Lickitung was “play” wrestling with you, but in the end you know what has to be done.
Here’s a series of conversations from the opening minutes with my rival.
2. The Pokemon Suffer Horrible Injuries
Early in the game during a fight one of my Pokemon was body slammed, the actual attack was Body Slam, and the fucker paralyzed my Pokemon. Now I couldn’t help but think of my poor, sort of twitching, newly paralyzed Pokemon just lying there.
I can laugh at that shit now cause I’m older, corrupted and mind-warped but I can’t help but think of nine-year-old me looking at this shit and not being anything but traumatized that my Pokemon was fucking paralyzed.
And that’s not the only one, along with getting paralyzed your Pokemon can also suffer from being frozen solid, ever seen The Shining? Burned like a campfire hotdog, and fucking poisoned! When you poison something there’s only one reason why you’re doing it. To fucking end that shit’s miserable existence.
Imagine you have a Pikachu and the little motherfucker is just lying there, lifeless, burned to a crisp. Imagine that.
Of course it’s funny now but that’s some heavy shit on your psyche when you’re nine.
The best part is even after they’re lying there half-dead, charred, paralyzed or dying from being poisoned you’re still yelling at them in your mind, “Fucking get up, you pussy! Fucking fight, damnit!” And that’s just so wrong after they’ve given so much.
1. The Pokemon That Kill Themselves
Geodude, Graveler, Voltorb, Electrode, Magnemite and Magneton. These are the Pokemon I’ve encountered that don’t give a fuck and will blow themselves the fuck up like we’re in Iraq.
I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve fought one of these fuckers and they suicide bombed me. Luckily Wartortle is a stud and can withstand an out-of-nowhere explosion to the face.
The actual move names are Self-Destruct and Explosion and there are no signs of life afterward.
Here’s the full list of suicide bombers:
Golem, Grimer, Muk, Shellder, Cloyster, Gastly, Haunter, Gengar, Onix, Exeggcute, Exeggutor, Koffing, Weezing, Snorlax, Mewtwo.
Suicide bombing in a children’s game?
It should officially be rated Mature after the hard facts I’ve exposed and made public knowledge.
Good job wrecking some fond childhood memories, Jordan.