By Jordan DCS

Let’s take an in depth look at what is presumably the most secure social media juggernaut in social media. Facebook. OOOOOH, you gotta start with your best material first! Take notes, Picnicface, you don’t put your shitty skits in episode one. You start with your best, and everyone jerks over Facebook!

Recently I got Meebo and what a piece of shit that site is. It’s a giant chat. It was for a school project, otherwise what a waste of fucking time. I had to write how it was good. So much lying I did on that project. So much. Anyways I’m getting off topic.

7. Facebook Constantly Changes

Why has Facebook been so successful and not taken the road of Myspace? Easy. Facebook changes every six fucking months! Now, you may think, “That’s a bad thing. Grrrr, why is Facebook ruining my life by changing so often?”

Well first and foremost it’s staying relevant. By changing so often everyone immediately talks about Facebook. Derpa derpa der Facebook change, derp derp derp. Yeah, no shit it changes because everyone in the fucking world talks about Facebook fucking changing. And what do they say? All together now, “Any publicity is good publicity. “

6. Facebook Kills Its Competition

Remember when Facebook got Chat? Everyone talked mad shit on it. Talking ‘bout how its gotten a whole lot creepier, how they getting rid of Facebook. NOPE! What happened to MSN after FB Chat was dropped? MSN was K.I.A. in a few years.

I sign on MSN every now and then and see a crummy four people online. And most of the time they’re busy or some shit (forever alone)

Myspace used to be the shit in ’05, you could add your favourite musicians as friends and shit. Then Facebook started making noise. Six years later, Myspace is an ancient ruin. Who uses that shit?

5. Facebook Addiction Disorder (FAD)

I was on some shitty website run by PHD (fucking fancy pants) Michael Fenichel and he talked a bunch of shit that seemed to make a lot of fucking sense. By the way, nice website, asshole. No pictures, vids, worst than MEEBO!

Fenichel talks about Facebook Addiction Disorder (FAD). A lot of the symptoms include pathological Internet use (check for me.)

Playing Facebook games like Mafia Wars or Farmville (Video Games are pretty fucking lame, unless it’s NES or N64… Or PS2. Other than that they’re pretty stupid. Am I right everybody I know?)

Use of Applications (What celebrity do I relate most to????)

Maintaining a “Wall”  (derp, people gotta see what I’m doing now-a-days)

Imaginary friends (over the past few years I’ve tried to get Facebook down to a more personal level with people, you know, I’m actually comfortable talking with in REAL LIFE as friend contacts. But sometimes I see people with like 800 friends. Seriously? If they aren’t a celebrity or promoting a business they need to get their shit in order.)

And the birthday wishes! What a fucking lame cliché that germinated with our generation. I’d much rather have a few good friends say it in person or over the phone than 300 people I had to awkwardly sit next to in high school or met drunk at college parties write, “HDB! Hope it’s a good one!” Hey, I use that line!

It’s on your phone! Really? We can’t wait until we get home anymore? I have to immediately see what Sean said on the photo I uploaded?

4. Facebook Tracks What Sites You Go To (Even If You’re Logged Out!)

An Australian blogger who looks like a complete tool discovered this.

Nik Cubrilovic called out Facebook on tracking its 750 million users even after they were logged out. Facebook was forced to confirm that Cubrilovic’s research findings were true. They said it was a “mistake”.

Gee, ever wonder why Facebook ads have been popping up about transsexual clubs in your hometown or transsexual dating sites or Transsexual AA meetings? Am I right, people?

Wait… Gulp

Yeah, so if Facebook got a little personal with its ads on your profile, guess what, your interwebz history was followed and they’re advertising specifically towards your browsing habits. So those hemorrhoid cream ads aren’t just a big coincidence… shifty eyes

3. Facebook Is Becoming Easier Than Real Life Interaction

It’s true; everyone has people on Facebook they can converse with online for hours. But throw those individuals in a room together in real life and watch it get real awkward real quick.

The best use of this is in any classroom where everyone is in perfect talking range. But let’s get real here, Facebook to the rescue! I guess it would be rude to talk over the professor… I’ve never seen anything like that before…

2. Facebook Is A Powerful Tool Of Promotion

Whether it’s your favourite restaurant, club, business, city you live in, sports team, beer you drink, crack you smoke, magazine you read, they’re all on Facebook!

You can’t turn anywhere anymore without seeing some shitty homemade sign that reads, “Find Us On Facebook!” A-derp-der-der!

It has become so embedded into our culture that coming across a good ‘ol FB sign is like the diarrhea you’ll be having after lunch at Taco Bell. It’s inevitable.

1. You See Important News On Facebook First

Remember when the U.S. iced Osama Bin Laden like hoodlums did to Ice Cube’s brother in, “Boyz In The Hood”? Where did you see it? Chances are you were sitting on your computer when your homepage exploded of status updates in the hundreds, “WE KILLLED BIN LARDIN!!” “FUCK OSOMMA! HES DEAD!!!!” “THERE GONNA SHOW PICS OF BIN LADENS DEAD BODY!”

This has become the norm in our age of technology and everyone being connected in the world.

Look at Egypt. Facebook helped them revolt and overthrow the government. The Internet was shut down internationally because Facebook was becoming too powerful of a tool for the rebellion. Access was cut or limited inside the country because Egyptians were using Facebook to organize.

Think about that for a minute. Facebook is bigger than just some shitty site you use to spy on all the pregnant people you knew from high school.

So whether it’s crazy patriotic “We killed Ben Aladdin!”  Or the clueless racists that blamed the karma of Pearl Harbour on Japan’s unfortunate circumstances this year. Facebook is a part of us all. A part of us all. A part of us all.

Flawless Victory!

2 thoughts on “7 Signs Of The Facebook Apocalypse – Why It Will Never Die: A Drunken Column

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