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By Jordan DCS

Just to get this out of the way, if you were planning on or thinking about being one of these costumes, fuck you. Okay, now that that awkwardness is behind us let’s move forward, shall we. I know for a fact I will see all of these costumes at some point during the Halloween weekend. Why? Because pop-culture says so. I wouldn’t care so much about these sucky, brainless pieces of shit if I hadn’t already seen them coming all over my face from ten miles away.

This year I’m proposing instead of looking at these perpetrators and muttering obscenities at them under our breath, we do something. Alright, hear me out. I say we get a bunch of us, form a lynch mob, light up some torches and sharpen up some pitch forks and go huntin’ for some terrible HalloWIENERS! (<See what I did there!) YEAH!

Um, anyone?… Fine, let’s just curse them under our breath.

The Offender: The Joker

Ugh, seriously, folks. The anti-hero gained so much Halloween infamy after the 2008 film “The Dark Knight”. Everyone who has worn the white and red war paint has Heath Ledger overdosing all over again… in Hell… he was a gay cowboy, remember? The Joker homage to Ledger’s version of trying to recreate it is only more and more disappointing and blatantly stupid since Halloween ’08.

Why It Sucks:

Have you ever heard one of these goddamned idiots speak? They’re taking this role way too fucking seriously. It’s the one-day of the year they get to shine their true insanity and creepiness legally around town. If you gave one of these suspected sociopaths an elbow nudge and said, “I bet robbing that bank on Main is pretty doable,” followed by a wink, be expecting the November 1st newspaper headline to read, “Bank robbery ends in double homicide, suicide.”

What Their Costume Says About Them: Borderline Mental Patient.

Two out of Four Derp’s

The Offender: Zombie Celebrities


Here’s the list of famous six-feet-under you’ll need on your radar for H2011: Amy Winehouse, Ryan Dunn, “Macho Man” Randy Savage, Osama Bin Laden, Steve Jobs and Moammar Gadhafi.

As I watched the breaking news and read headlines of their deaths, I knew at some point I’d have to encounter the undead, growling, staggering jackasses in full march.

“Brains… Oooooh Yeaaaah.”

Why It Sucks:

Creative zombie outfits are cool. Walking around with a severed head or holding your own exposed intestines is f’n badass. But celebrity… celebrity zombie outfits reek of lame and borderline retardation. Wow, we get it, you’re looking for attention by pushing the envelope. Good on yeah, bud.

What Their Costume Says About Them: A Sheep – Most Likely To Jump off A Cliff If Everyone Else Does.

Two out of Four Derp’s

The Offender: Mario and Luigi

If you’re going out as a video game character and Mario and Luigi are the only two that come to mind then you need to fuck right off. The only acceptable Halloween video game duo is Scorpion and Sub-Zero and they HATE each other.

This…

Or this…

No Brain’r.

Why It Sucks:

“So you guys are THE Mario and Luigi?!” Please, folks, spare the embarrassment of dressing up like the very original portly Italian stereotype and his jerkoff sidekick. The awkward moment of the night will come when Mario and Luigi notice the other five Mario and Luigi duos that coincidentally are all in the same bar.

What Their Costume Says About Them: Suspected (Gay) Dominatrix Couple


Three out of Four Derp’s

The Offender: Charlie Sheen

Did you hear about Charlie Sheen getting kicked off Two And A Half Men? I don’t need to see a shitty bowling shirt, khaki shorts and socks with brown loafers parading around town. Just to be clear, if someone went as Sheen in Platoon or Major League, I’d be all for it. But it won’t be. It will be the 2011, Tiger Blood, Winning, coked out fucker Sheen.

Why It Sucks:

We don’t need to see that fucker at the bar trying to order Tiger Blood shots and say “Winning” whenever a girl walks by and whatever else he says – I’m not a douche and didn’t memorize his shit. Like The Joker costume it’s just giving them a platform to live vigorously in someone else’s shadow.

What Their Costume Says About Them: They Have The Personality Of A Wet Dish Cloth, Most Likely To Vomit Before 10 p.m.

Three out of Four Derp’s

The Offender: Guido/Jersey Shore

Look at this photo.

What the fuck is this shit?

The only acceptable outcome of seeing Halloween Guidos is if Snooki’s vag swooped down from the sky like a pterodactyl and swallowed them whole. And you know those sick fucks would just love that gonorrhea-plagued flapper keeping them snug at night.

Why It Sucks:

Just like with Charlie Sheen, hearing all the quotes from Jersey Shore is what bugs me most. I cringe and shutter everytime I hear these certified douchebags yell, “cabs are here!” or “She’s too young for you!” or “Bros, let’s do body shots off Riley, bro.” Well, actually, I made that last one up but it’s not like they wouldn’t if a bi-curious Brah brought it up. It’s like someone is giving them a license to say dumb shit all fucking night.

Halloween is really starting to sound like the Locke Shit Douche.


What Their Costume Says About Them: I’m A Fucking Douche And I Know It, Most Likely To Take Home A Grenade.

Four out of Four Derp’s

Not every costume sucks though. So I’m gonna throw this one out there for someone to be. It’s sure to be a costume party winner!

Sidney Crosby’s Tampons

You know, for his goat vagina.

And the costume I’m looking forward to the most…

Whores Gonna Whore

One thought on “Costumes That Suck You’ll See This Halloween

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