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By Jordan DCS

Since humans were smart enough to wipe their own ass, they’ve wondered what their species ultimate fate would be. Through critical thinking and sci-fi films the best we’ve come up with have been: a giant asteroid, aliens taking over our planet, Y2K, nuclear holocaust, something happening in 2012 or something, a zombie outbreak, a super virus, and Dr. Phil’s ego.

These are all good starts to what the end of existence may be in the near future. But I think we need look no further than the animal kingdom to see our looming fate. No, I’m not talking about the Grolar Bear – the hybrid murder offspring of a Polar bear and Grizzly bear. It’s not the dreaded tiger, although it seems to be doing a pretty good job of scaring the shit out of everybody in Asia. I’m not talking about a shark species that will keep humans out of the oceans for good. By the way, I’ve just listing off animals that amaze and frighten me all rolled into one heart attack.

No, no, Earth’s future adversary I speak of is the Octopus.

Yeah, that’s right.

As it lurks in underwater caves with its eyes-always-watching-you, gawky tentacles, suction cups, and fucking jabbing beak; the octopus is poised to step up the ladder to the top of the food chain.

When we think of intelligent animals what comes to mind are dolphins, apes and dogs. However I’m a little more disturbed with the behaviour of octopuses over recent years. Here’s what I’m talking about!

 

 

 

This octopus has a dilemma: to eat the delicious crab (and someday its pet human) it has to figure out how to break the jar. Because let’s face it, an octopus isn’t capable of opening a jar like we can. Haha that would be silly.

HOLY SHIT! IT OPENED THE JAR! I’ve seen friends and family have more trouble opening jars than that octopus. How long before they figure out that the ocean totally sucks and they come opening the doors to our home?

This octopus was originally given the jar with food inside and it just face fucked it to no avail. Then after being shown how to open the jar it was following suit and ripping that poor crab apart.

If that wasn’t fucking crazy enough there’s a species of octopus that have solved their problem of being eaten by predators… Huddle around for this shit. The Amphioctopus marginatus octopus finds submerged coconut shells and carries them like a turtle shell! When they feel threatened they simply hide under or in between two shells.

Well, that’s just some octopuses getting lucky; that doesn’t mean the end of the world…right?

 

 

 

Well, at least octopuses aren’t about to break down my door and hold my family hostage. Why, breaking down a door would be ridiculous when they can simply ooze under the fucking crack of the door!

With no skeleton, an octopus can shape shift its body to fit just about anywhere. Like up a quarter-sized water pipe and into the bowl of your toilet, just waiting for you to mosey on over for a midnight jazz. Even this 600-pound octopus shows no fucks for creeping through a maze of tubes.

Hmmm, a little concerning but I’m still cool…

 

 

 

Being full of venom and hate will do things to you. This octopus hates annoying humans noising around almost as much as Dr. Phil hates wearing pants to the trailer park outhouse. Here’s a video of a diver getting a little too close and an octopus doing his best impression of Latrell Sprewell.

The octopus isn’t very large but you can see the menacing strength it has compared to a man. So, what’s more badass than slapping around Earth’s dominant predator? How about attacking and killing a fucking shark?

Yeah.

So that was a fucking shark getting handled by an octopus. I’m starting to feel afraid now.

 

 

 

Now we’re not even safe on land? Well, yeah, we are most of the time, but it’s during that small percentage we should be frightened! Yes, it’s true, octopuses can walk on dry land and survive up to 20 minutes in moist conditions before, you know, they air suffocate.

“Feels like a nice day for a walk.”

Did you notice the crab it spit out like it was sending a message to the on-lookers? Did you notice that even now it’s trying to strike fear in its imminent homo sapien foe. I noticed… *starting to sweat*

 

 

 

Okay, okay. I think at this point we can all say, “fuck, octopuses” and start jailing these cephalopod bastards.

Well, we would but there’s a little bit of an issue in that… It seems that octopuses don’t care much for being held in captivity and are known for escaping their tanks.

As told by many who have kept them as pets or attractions at aquariums; octopuses will simply muscle their way out of tanks or slither through water pipes to glorious freedom. Most of the time they are found and thrown back in captivity but some just dry up and die.

One octopus ended up flooding an aquarium in California after an attempted escape; it disassembled a valve in its tank and 200 gallons of water poured out. Some people think octopuses could be self-aware creatures like humans, which would explain why they pretty much say, “fuck prison” and try to escape. Hey, no sane human wants to be locked up either!

Why, octopuses love freedom more than Dr. Phil loves Oprah’s breast milk in his morning Cornflakes. Why, octopuses love freedom more than Dr. Phil loves being a fake doctor. Why, octopuses love freedom more than Dr. Phil loves kissing cousins. And so on and so forth.

Not a Doctor.

But perhaps most appalling of all…

 

 

Okay, so this is an animal that can solve problems and loves sovereignty. I wonder what other freaky shit they have up their eight-limbed sleeves. Maybe the ability to plan and execute a killing spree?

Yeah, sounds about right.

At the Vancouver aquarium a few years back, staff members were stumped when fish began to go missing. After a few weeks of missing fish and no leads, the staff set up video cameras in hopes of catching the culprit red-handed. When they viewed the tapes they were astonished to discover that an octopus, nicknamed “Houdini”, was crawling through the water circulation pipes to eat the fish, and was doing so for weeks!

Houdini was definitely smiling like a motherfucker for being totally slick. First, he removed the filtration screen in his tank and slipped through the pipes. From there Houdini broke into the other tanks where his prey could only watch and shit themselves. After feeding, Houdini remembered all the twists and turns to get back into his own tank; undetected that he was ever gone!

When octopuses take over the world I figure it will begin with something like this:

Scared Human: “OMG! My family is dead!”

Mysterious Being: “Yes, all part of our plan for world domination.”

Scared Human: “OMG! What is happening? What’s that?!”

Mysterious Being: “This is my new pet, you know him as Dr. Phil.”

Dr. Phil on a leash: “What YOU need to do is accept our new invertebrate overlords.”

Scared Human: “OMG! you’re a invertebrate?!”

Mysterious Being: “I prefer… Octneto.”

Send me a Tweet @jordan_dcs

20 thoughts on “6 Disturbing Octopus Facts and Their Eventual Global Conquest

  1. And the larger ones are smarter than the smaller…and squid, too. Seems likely critters generally are smarter than is confortable for us to amit. Also seems likely our opposable thumbs have as much to do with our dominance as our intelligence…such as it is.

  2. Until I see one of these things stand on two legs and fire an AK with the other six, I will continue to feel superior to them with the exception of the following areas: intellect, dexterity, strength, determination and math. However, I may befriend one of them in order to get my prescriptions open. Long live two-arms!

  3. Really appreciate the comments, guys!
    @The Melting Penguin: No. I pitched them an idea in September that they liked and wanted me to pursue but my workload became way too heavy real fast to go for it. But my workload is down this year so I was thinking of pitching some other ideas in the near future. Ya!

  4. Maybe they’re already in control? Maybe they’ve been controlling us for centuries. Think about it, we build cities near the ocean and cause the worlds temperatures to rise. The water in the oceans rises and flood the cities and the octopi have it all! Sneaky, patient bastards! … Wait I mean smart wonderful overlords!

  5. I had one wrapped around my arm once. I’d add to the diver-wrestling description that part of the reason you’re screwed is because you’ve got two arms and it’s got eight (that are damn hard to hang onto). So while you’re pulling two off, six more are getting a better grip.

  6. Octopus will make the ultimate politician if not a spin doctor. He can always issue tall statement like reworking welfare system and putting people back to work and escape in a cloud of ink disowning he ever said them. As for a spin doctor eight versions he may write each versions confusing the next. That wont do. What are eight hands good for a politician except splitting oakum faster than fellow inmates?

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