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By Jordan DCS

Chasing girls is what growing up is all about! It’s funny to think of all my well thought out dating plans that blew up in my face and the half-assed, whatever, which actually worked.

When I was in the sixth grade, part of the curriculum was sexual education. So I was cultured on sex in a room full of B.O. ridden, rowdy 11-year-old boys, just beginning the awkward phase of screechy voice changes, acne and classroom boners.

When all the technical terms in sex-ed were being thrown around, I was too busy snickering at the “boing” commentary throughout the class rather than paying attention. But my teacher told the class one thing that I’ll never forget. He said, “In a few years when you’re sitting in your high school classes, 99 per cent of the time you’ll be thinking about girls.”

GET OUT OF MY FUTURE MIND!

Through high school and even today, girls take up a good portion of my everyday thoughts. No, I’m not a chronic masturbator. Like I have time to jerk off more than four times a day. Haha that would be a little overboard, don’t you think?

Anyways, just like your everyday average Joe serial killer, fantasying about it just doesn’t do it after a while. You need to start exploring different techniques to get with girls. Sure, you can take advice from friends but what it basically comes down to is what you’re comfortable with.

Me? I experiment with every method because I’m a real-life journalist and I need to get to the bottom of things…well, at least that’s what I tell my friends when a girl rejects me. *sniff sniff*

Before I go any further, I should mention that this is sort of a bro column. But ladies, feel free to call me on any shit that has or hasn’t worked on you!

Here are some methods I’ve learned from hitting on girls. (I’ve also included some Photoshop Paint artwork I made for the visual learners out there!)

The Sports Team Deception

No, no, I’m not pretending to be a pro-athlete. It’s that glorious moment in an otherwise pointless conversation about some crappy show she likes, when she drops, “Oh, and by the way, I LOOOVE the Toronto Maple Leafs!”

At that moment, I immediately wake from my trance, almost flailing my arms to say, “Whra-Woe-Rang. (Expect some gibberish in the first second) Maple Leafs? Really? Wow, who do you like on their roster this year?”

I could give two fucks about the Leafs. Seriously.

The sports conversation I could talk about for hours if I wanted. But the problem is just that, I could go for hours on sports – most of the time she won’t. So you have to be able to read her and be ready to abandon ship on the sports topic. BUT this will catapult you into other areas that will keep you busy flirting.

So, Can I Ha Yo Numba?

1 Outta 5

The Telling Jokes Trick

This is an effective tool that I’ve found works best with original material. Saying a tired 90’s crack ain’t getting you nowhere, boy! The best you can do is have shit you already know, which can be executed on a moment’s notice or when drunk. Especially drunk. If you’re on, you can’t be stopped.

Some of you might say, “but Jordan, how the fuck am I going to come up with stand up material?” Hey, I’m not stopping you from getting your D wet. Use Drinking Hat articles as a starting point. Fuck, I do all the time.

What you DON’T want to do is begin improvising jokes…like I did one time. And then when she didn’t laugh, I kept repeating the punch line over and over and over and over. Because, fuck, I figured she couldn’t hear me in that loud ass bar! Oh, she heard you, Jordie. You bet your ass she heard you.

I won’t get into what the joke was but it basically ended like this:

Girl: “…. I have to stand over here now.”

Jordan: “Yeah. I kinda figured…”

Girl walks 20 feet and stands alone.

Yeah.

So, Can I Ha Yo Numba?

0 outta 5 (if you fuck up)

3 outta 5 (if you kill it)

The Acting Like A Dick Strategy

This works on 99 per cent of girls. Fuckin’ 99 per cent. This percentage I say in confidence and have absolutely no evidence to back it up. Only one per cent of girls are way too clever for yours and my Jedi mind tricks.

To be honest, this is my least favourite one. I hate being mean to people, except the ones I hold grudges against…

It’s a matter of condescending your subject. If you’re talking and she says, “well, I think…” cut her off immediately and say, “You think?” with a look of confusion and worry, like she might actually be retarded because she isn’t sure of herself. It’s such an asshole thing to do but hilarious in its own way.

Here are some useful dick tactics for her visual:

  1. The squinty eyes; as to say, “What are you an idiot?”
  2. The wide-eyed skeptic; as to say, “This is the best conversation you could come up with?”
  3. The condescending head nod; as to say, ”Yeah, your job sounds really tough.”
  4. The little applause; as to say, “So what? Want me to do a fucking cartwheel for you?”

It might sound I have fun with this… wait; I totally do have fun with being a dick! But beware, girls you’re a dick to are basically girls you’d never take seriously or want to date. Hey, at least that’s me.

So, Can I Ha Yo Numba?

4 outta 5

The “I Forget Who You Are” Line

This line works well alongside “acting like a dick”.  It’s more for a ‘we kind of know each other’ situation. It drives girls insane, especially if they were expecting you to know they were going to be there and they KNOW who you are.

I’ve used this line twice. One was for real – I actually completely forgot who the person was – and the other I just withheld information except for the fact I “kind of” knew who she was. Drove her nuts. She asked me all night if that’s all I knew about her.

I STRONGLY suggest if you’re ever in this situation and you’re on a dry spell (or not), USE THIS INFORMATION you got for free! 😉

So, Can I Ha Yo Numba?

5 outta 5

The “I Love Your Hair” Approach

You’ll catch her attention with this one. It doesn’t have to be hair; it can be a piece of jewelry or the like.

“Oh, hi, I’m Jordan, by the way, I love what you’ve done with your hair.” BOOM! Number.

But the key is not being creepy about it. You can’t say, “Oh, hi, I’m Jordan, by the way, I love what you’ve done with your hair.” And then have a look on your face like you want to cut some of it and carry it around in your pocket.

You see, I can get away with saying something like that to a stranger because I’m a very nonthreatening person and have great conversational skills. Whereas if, let’s say, The Drinking Hat’s Sean Mac said it, Sean would have to put a lot more work in to win her over because he looks and smells like what you might find in a New York City dumpster.

 So, Can I Ha Yo Numba?

4 outta 5  (unless you’re Sean Mac)

The Liquid Courage Or “Going For It” Technique

Probably one of the most popular methods used at any bar or party. This can also be categorized under the “no words, just action” ploy. I’ve done it before! However, you have to be at least 85 per cent positive in the drunken make out return. So, what, that’s like, two shots of tequila for both of you?

I think everybody in the world has had triumph and backfire in this situation, and I’m no exception. Sometimes you have to take chances. And sometimes you live by the gun and die by the gun.

To be honest, going down in a blaze of glory is nothing to be ashamed of. If anything it makes for a funny story with your buddies. You can do a play-by-play of everything that happened. It’s what I did! And it still remains a hilarious moment in Jordan’s fail history,

The only advice I could give for this is if it works, fucking great, but don’t look like a 19-year-old making out in the bar for the first time. Do 20 seconds of kissing and make a move to get her home, you fucking pussy. Or if it backfires, laugh it off, tell your friends and hate on that bitch if you ever see her again! 😉

So, Can I Ha Yo Numba?

4 outta 5

Send me a Tweet! @jordan_dcs

9 thoughts on “6 Paths To Getting Your D Wet – An Elbow Nudge Column

  1. I’ve never heard of any of those jazz groups. Marilyn Manson, she has a lovely name, though. I was always more into “squid”. It was a style my friends made up – mostly a combination of folk and pop. Do you listen to a lot of jazz?

  2. I suppose you have spent your entire adult life ignoring the old advice “don’t talk to strangers”… 😐 Aren’t you afraid of the dangerous zombie sluts (http://mayorgia.blogspot.com/2011/12/boyfriend-is-in-new-orleans-and-im.html)? 😉

    I’m guessing I’d either ignore or kick the bloke in the eggs if anyone tried to use those methods with me. I admit they made me laugh, though. And that I know some (not many, this is a more… traditional… type of country 🙂 ) girls who would fall for most of your (twisted) lines.

      • Unfortunately, yes, I have. I was 15 and every girl at school seemed to luuuuuuuuv that band. Except for me, of course. Back then I listened to Marilyn Manson, Korn (the r should be facing backwards) and Limp Bizkit…………………………………… I was 15, OK?!

        What, are you expecting me to introduce you to said girls?

  3. I picked up my bf three years ago with this line: “You’re hands are really big. How do you get Pringles out of the Pringle jar?”

    It worked. But “CAN I HAVE YO NUMBER” might have worked too. There’s some awful book out there teaching guys to pick girls up by insulting them. I tried that on a very pretty boy once and it worked. But it almost got my ass kicked once (FUBAR nightclub in Waterloo, Ontario). Hilarious pictures by the way.

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