By Jordan DCS
There are tons of celebrities I don’t take seriously. Mostly for being famous for the wrong reasons, like having no known talent or lack of visionary qualities. Some celebrities end up falling apart over time and myself and the rest of the world laughs at the thud of them hitting rock bottom.
The celebrities I’ve listed are the ones that didn’t even have a chance from the start. They were never big time stars by any means when I first saw them showcase their stuff. Hey, everyone has to start somewhere. My problem is, I’ll always view them as that role. These past roles have ruined a few celebrities for me!
… Well, actually only one was ruined, first on my list. The rest can kiss my black ass.
The Celebrity: Ryan Gosling
Maybe the planet is hypnotized by Ryan Gosling’s sexiness and charm for playing roles in movies like “The Notebook” and “Fracture”. But I remember Gosling from back in his high school years. Whenever I see Gosling now it’s as “Sean”, the wimpy, comic relief loser from the globe trotting high school cruise ship Breaker High. Boy, how times have changed!
That was a good ass show, by the way.
Even when I’m watching him stomp motherfuckers faces in while being The Driver in the movie “Drive” I still get a mental image of the silly, lovable buffoon plotting some scheme with his equally clownish partner Jimmy. All of their schemes make you say with a smile on your face, “That’s never going to work, you silly, lovable buffoons!”
The Celebrity: Drake
I’ll never take this guy for real. For the rest of my days I’ll always view Drake as a Degrassi High guy… Like, when Degrassi totally sucked and didn’t have a young Joey, Snake and Wheels.
“But Drake is such a good singer, Jordan! How can you not take him serious?” First off, no, he’s really not a good singer and his lyrics blow donkey balls. Secondly, there’s one thing Drake is worse at than singing and that’s acting.
Fuckin’ Jimmy, the basketball star tragically crippled in a school shooting. If I’m ever channel surfing and see Drake singing live, I half expect him to be zipping around in a wheelchair. And I’m often disappointed he never is.
I’m not saying I don’t take him seriously because he played a role in a wheelchair. I don’t take him seriously because he’s a terrible actor and became even more famous for making shitty music.
The Celebrity: Shia LaBeouf
Nothing makes me cringe more than Shia LaBeouf as a tough guy greaser in Indiana Jones. Seriously, George Lucas, what the fuck are you doing?
After becoming a house hold name for his role in “Transformers”, LaBeouf has made a solid career for himself. Girls even like him! I know my sister has a boner for him.
But I will always see LaBeouf as the curly haired, dingle berry in “Holes”. It was an awesome book that was adapted into a god-awful film. LaBeouf starred in this armpit of a movie and was beyond terrible. I’m still awaiting confirmation that LaBeouf had his testicles surgically removed for the part but he hasn’t emailed me back yet.
The Celebrity: Hayden Christensen
George Lucas sure knows how to pick ‘em! I’m pretty sure you know where I’m going with this but if you don’t, he’s the whiny bitch that helped put a black eye on the Star Wars franchise. It was like all the planets aligned perfectly for that series to be ruined. Fuckin’ Jar Jar, a lame ass plot, unnecessary and excessive use of CGI and this whiny bitch.
I’ll always associate Christensen’s career with his terrible, robotic demeanor in Star Wars. I don’t know how he still gets work but thankfully that trend is starting to fade.
Speaking of not getting work…
The “Celebrity”: Ashlee Simpson
I’ve always hated Ashlee Simpson. A few years back she reached high profile celebrity status; flabbergasted I thought, “Why?” Besides being the little sister of actually talented and good looking Jessica Simpson, Ashlee really doesn’t serve much purpose except to wave around that beak of a nose and have an irrelevant, train wreck career. She’s like 27 and completely washed up.
What a fucking idiot!
Despite being just a shitty all around human; she’s an even shittier actress. Her role in 7th Heaven was the beginning of my hate for her. What a shitty show and ass hat clown she is.
Send me a tweet.