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By Jordan DCS

There are tons of celebrities I don’t take seriously. Mostly for being famous for the wrong reasons, like having no known talent or lack of visionary qualities. Some celebrities end up falling apart over time and myself and the rest of the world laughs at the thud of them hitting rock bottom.

The celebrities I’ve listed are the ones that didn’t even have a chance from the start. They were never big time stars by any means when I first saw them showcase their stuff. Hey, everyone has to start somewhere. My problem is, I’ll always view them as that role. These past roles have ruined a few celebrities for me!

… Well, actually only one was ruined, first on my list. The rest can kiss my black ass.

The Celebrity: Ryan Gosling

Maybe the planet is hypnotized by Ryan Gosling’s sexiness and charm for playing roles in movies like “The Notebook” and “Fracture”. But I remember Gosling from back in his high school years. Whenever I see Gosling now it’s as “Sean”, the wimpy, comic relief loser from the globe trotting high school cruise ship Breaker High. Boy, how times have changed!

 

 

That was a good ass show, by the way.

Even when I’m watching him stomp motherfuckers faces in while being The Driver in the movie “Drive” I still get a mental image of the silly, lovable buffoon plotting some scheme with his equally clownish partner Jimmy. All of their schemes make you say with a smile on your face, “That’s never going to work, you silly, lovable buffoons!”

 

The Celebrity: Drake

I’ll never take this guy for real. For the rest of my days I’ll always view Drake as a Degrassi High guy… Like, when Degrassi totally sucked and didn’t have a young Joey, Snake and Wheels.

“But Drake is such a good singer, Jordan! How can you not take him serious?” First off, no, he’s really not a good singer and his lyrics blow donkey balls. Secondly, there’s one thing Drake is worse at than singing and that’s acting.

Fuckin’ Jimmy, the basketball star tragically crippled in a school shooting. If I’m ever channel surfing and see Drake singing live, I half expect him to be zipping around in a wheelchair. And I’m often disappointed he never is.

 

 

I’m not saying I don’t take him seriously because he played a role in a wheelchair. I don’t take him seriously because he’s a terrible actor and became even more famous for making shitty music.

 

The Celebrity: Shia LaBeouf

Nothing makes me cringe more than Shia LaBeouf as a tough guy greaser in Indiana Jones. Seriously, George Lucas, what the fuck are you doing?

After becoming a house hold name for his role in “Transformers”, LaBeouf has made a solid career for himself. Girls even like him! I know my sister has a boner for him.

But I will always see LaBeouf as the curly haired, dingle berry in “Holes”. It was an awesome book that was adapted into a god-awful film. LaBeouf starred in this armpit of a movie and was beyond terrible. I’m still awaiting confirmation that LaBeouf had his testicles surgically removed for the part but he hasn’t emailed me back yet.

 

 

 

The Celebrity: Hayden Christensen

George Lucas sure knows how to pick ‘em! I’m pretty sure you know where I’m going with this but if you don’t, he’s the whiny bitch that helped put a black eye on the Star Wars franchise. It was like all the planets aligned perfectly for that series to be ruined. Fuckin’ Jar Jar, a lame ass plot, unnecessary and excessive use of CGI and this whiny bitch.

 

 

I’ll always associate Christensen’s career with his terrible, robotic demeanor in Star Wars. I don’t know how he still gets work but thankfully that trend is starting to fade.

Speaking of not getting work…

 

The “Celebrity”: Ashlee Simpson

I’ve always hated Ashlee Simpson. A few years back she reached high profile celebrity status; flabbergasted I thought, “Why?” Besides being the little sister of actually talented and good looking Jessica Simpson, Ashlee really doesn’t serve much purpose except to wave around that beak of a nose and have an irrelevant, train wreck career. She’s like 27 and completely washed up.

Remember this?

 

 

What a fucking idiot!

Despite being just a shitty all around human; she’s an even shittier actress. Her role in 7th Heaven was the beginning of my hate for her. What a shitty show and ass hat clown she is.

Not a proper replacement for Jessica Biel

 

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56 thoughts on “5 Celebrities I’ll Never Take Seriously

  1. Speaking of Hayden Christiansen…that photo you collected bears an eerie resemblance to Robert Pattinson’s vampire look. They must share the same stylist.

  2. Hahahah I don’t even know who Drake is. But Ashlee Simpson and Hayden Christensen are two celebrities that definitely belong in this list. Anytime I see Hayden C, all I can think of is his iconic “It’s Obiwan, he’s holding me back!” line.

    As for Ryan Gosling, the first thing I saw him in was Lars and the Real Girl. And I thought it was a pretty good movie! I know he’s been in some great films in 2011, but I haven’t seen a single one of them.

  3. Geezus, and I am being totally serious, I’ve only heard of one of these “celebrities” – Ashlee Simpson. I guess it doesn’t help since I haven’t watched tv or a movie in 4 years. And then prior to that it was the History channel and films from the 40s to 80s. I’m so friggin’ lost….

  4. i 100% agree — although i do have a slight swoon for ryan in the notebook — i’m a chick it’s in the dna.

    but i think what makes him, shia & hayden (yeah i can call them by their first names because i am down like that) so annoying is because they are one-trick-pony actors — the same in every freakin’ role they do!

    drake makes me laugh — how anyone can equate him to *sexy* i will never know?

    and ashlee simpson should have stuck to ballet — a career she had a good shot @ shining in… sad really!

    killer post — had me chuckling the whole read & i haven’t even finished my coffee yet!
    kudos!

  5. I can’t stand how people care so much about celebrities and their personal lives or opinions. Who the fuck cares if Kim Kardashian gets married or divorced (or both)? And, Jesus, don’t get me started on the likes of Bono, Alec Baldwin, and their ilk! Its this kind of hyperactive exposure that makes me despise sales & marketing professionals by and large as well–since they seem to be in charge of this phenomenon :/

  6. this is so funny. i’m with you on all of them (but i must say i did like ryan gosling in “lars and the real girl” – he was perfect for that role and, fittingly, fits the way you described him). i have problems with james franco (don’t get the hype about him, plus he’s such a total jerk – ever hear him interviewed? – p.s.: a much cuter lookalike version of franco is in “margin call”). also have problems with one-trick-pony luke wilson — he’s the same goofbag in every movie!

  7. Congrats on your hilarious turn of phrase. I’m putting it down to your fondness for the Olde English. Nice to know we’ve colonised your liver. It’s great to see our flag still flying somewhere in N. America. Your roll call of dishonour is unerringly accurate but can I add anyone with the surname Wayans. Cor blimey I had such high hopes. And the mysteriously popular Adam Sandler is skating on ice thinner than Karen Carpenter. The cross dressing is too weird for words. I can see Jack and Jill tumbling down the hill being trashed with Rotten Tomatoes. Celluloid justice.

  8. I love Breaker High. For serious. I have prob seen every episode. But as a result, it’s hard for me not to think of “Sean” when I see Ryan Gosling.

    Great post! Totally died laughing about Ashlee Simpson. I remember that SNL performance…so embarassing.

      • Thanks for explaining. I don’t live under a rock or anything…I just don’t keep up with stupid talentless people doing stupid talentless shit.Sort of how I can’t understand the fixation on the British royal family…what the fuck do they actually do?

  9. Have you ever seen an epsiode of Peewee’s Playhouse? Both Lawrence Fishburne and Benecio Del Toro were goofy cowboys on that series. It’s hard for me not to think about those appearances when they’re in serious films.

    • Heyyy, i liked the kid from star wars, you cant call him lame. not that im into the series or nothing but he did bring alot of drama to the table besides any one can be driven to do crazy shit and get real if you push em far enough and thats the character i think he played to the t. but then again this blog is about crunk comedy right?still loving the list -,-

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