Well, we survived yet another world-ending apocalypse. Now we’ll have to keep living in society instead of the much cooler Mad Max scenario where it’s every family for themselves – mob rules really. Maybe next year… Anyways, here’s The Drinking Hat’s top 12 favourite news makers of 2012.
NUMBER 12 —–
McKayla “BITCHFACE” Maroney
McKayla Maroney has already accomplished more and made more money than I ever will at the ripe age of 16. She’s a US gymnast and 2012 Olympic world champion. It wasn’t her amazing athleticism or gold medal that made her famous though, it was more for looking like an ice cold bitch.
One photo in particular captured her in a not so impressed facial expression (see top photo) after receiving a silver medal on vault. The photo went viral. Even Obama did the face!
Her photo overshadowed some of her other bitch tendencies. Watch Maroney give the cold shoulder to this Russian gymnast going in for a hug.
Damn! Winter came early in Russia.
I mean, come on, doesn’t she have a little bitch face on her? She does. C’mon.
She was also a member of this faction called the “Fierce Five” which was her and four other US gymnasts.
But seriously, I follow her on twitter and she seems like a swell, young lady with a bright future.
Two more years! Two more years!
NUMBER 11 —–
Chef Serves His PENIS AND TESTICLES For $250 A Plate
Mao Sugiyama, a 22-year-old asexual chef from Japan cooked and served his penis, testicles and scrotum to five hungry and willing weirdos. The tiny meal was sold for $250 per plate. There are no laws against cannibalism in Japan for those wondering.
For the less faint of heart, click this link to see PHOTOS of the actual served genitals! Sugiyama had his genitals surgically removed shortly after his 22nd birthday.
On April 8th Sugiyama sent out this tweet:
Which translated to:
“[Please retweet] I am offering my male genitals (full penis, testes, scrotum) as a meal for 100,000 yen …Will prepare and cook as the buyer requests, at his chosen location.”
What the fuck is wrong with Japan?
NUMBER 10 —–
“YOU GOIN’ TO JAIL NOW!” – Uppercut Heard ’round The World
First, I have to say… WHAT A FUCKING CHIN! Holy fuck, is that Mark Hunt in there taking a beating or some hood rat from Ohio?
Secondly… WHAT A FUCKING UPPERCUT! Did Mike Tyson give this senior citizen some lessons? He brought that uppercut up from the abyss!
I’ve watched a ton of online “street fights” in 2012 and this was by far the most shocking, bad ass, hilarious and controversial of them all.
The guy ended up losing his job over the incident. It makes sense but man, did it ever feel good to see him put that bitch in her place.
NUMBER 9 —–
Brazilian Beauty SELLS HER VIRGINITY For $780, 000
Twenty-year-old Catarina Migliorini sold her virginity to the highest bidder in an online auction. A man named “Natsu” of Japan won the auction on October 23rd, claiming his prize at an astounding $780, 000.
Now, you’re probably wondering things like why? and what about prostitution laws? and ew. So here are the answers to those:
- She claims she will donate up to 90 per cent of the money to charities. (HA!)
- Natsu will be tested for STDs prior; there will be no use of sex toys and he must wear a condom.
- The actual sex act will be inside an airplane while flying over international waters – avoiding prostitution laws.
- This is a documentary currently being filmed about virgins selling their virginity.
- Her virgin male counterpart sold his for a dismal $3,000 (Bahaha!)
(Click photos to enlarge)
Why is every Brazilian woman a smoke show? I really need to invest into a trip there.
…When is she gonna get into porn?
NUMBER 8 —–
Man CHANGES NAME to Tyrannosaurus Rex Because He’s An Idiot
Well, the real reason he changed it was because he thought it sounded cooler than his former name Tyler Gold. When I asked my four-year-old nephew what he thought, he totally agreed.
Rex, 23, says his new name is more recognizable as he’s a self proclaimed “entrepreneur”. More recognizable?
Fuck, why am I in the same gene pool as this person?
NUMBER 7 —–
Worst Boyfriend Ever – Mistakes Girlfriend For PIG and Shoots Her
Shit son, put your glasses on.
Steven Egan, 52, of Florida accidentally shot his girlfriend Lisa Simmons after mistaking her for a wild boar he was hunting. The .30 caliber rifle bullet went through both her legs. No charges were laid. I think a far worst pain for her than being shot is being mistaken for a gross, hairy pig.
I heard Lisa is still having trouble walking and getting around, so for Christmas, to make up for it, Steven hand crafted her the finest trough to indulge in. While sun tanning beside each other this summer, Steven inhaled, smiled and proclaimed he loved the smell of frying bacon. Steven often refers to Lisa as “Babe”. During sex, Steven once called Lisa’s mouth, vagina and asshole the straw house, the stick house and brick house and said his big bad wolf was about to blow all over them. While hunting, Steven takes after his hero Dick Cheney. Cheney isn’t the only presidential figure he looks up too though, shooting his load on fat pigs was inspired by Bill Clinton.
NUMBER 6 —–
Paulina Gretzky – Spoiled SKANKS GONNA SKANK
Amen to that.
Daughter of Wayne Gretzky, Paulina, 23, is a spoiled princess who loves to post revealing photos of herself online. Like these!
She also had a steamy photo shoot and video interview with Complex Magazine. She sure loves sucking on those cherries really slowly! I wonder what that’s a metaphor for…
Poor Wayne must die a little when Paulina shames the great Canadian Gretzky name on what seems to be becoming a regular basis. The Great One is raising Makes Prostates Cum! (it took me all night and that was the best one I could come up with) I’m sure Paulina has had her hand in many of those. Literally.
…When is she gonna get into porn?
NUMBER 5 —–
Human Blimp Loses 100 Pounds During SEX MARATHON
This is mega fatty Pauline Potter AKA the world’s heaviest woman. The 643 pound behemoth says a reignited sex life with her ex-hubby, Alex, has helped her lose 98 pounds with marathon sex.
Excuse me for a moment…
Alex only weighs 140 pounds by the way.
Here’s a quote from the mastodon. “…although I can’t buy sexy lingerie, I drape a nice sheet over me.” Nice.
…So when’s this fat bitch gonna get into porn?
NUMBER 4 —–
The PENIS Snake
Discovered in Brazil, this creepy looking thing nicknamed the Penis Snake is actually a rare species of amphibian. It’s limbless, aquatic and quite frankly grosses me the hell out. It was discovered while draining a portion of the Madeira River.
NUMBER 3 —–
Jewelry Thieves ESCAPE THROUGH MALL On Motorcycles!
I’m not going to lie, I thought this was fuckin’ bad ass and I got all giddy when I read about it and then watched it.
Just like out of a movie! This happened in London, England.
NUMBER 2 —–
Vlogger MAXX CALIN Does The Cinnamon Challenge
Maxx Calin is a favourite vlogger of The Drinking Hat. This year he tried to do the Cinnamon Challenge. Hilarity ensued.
Watch the video and see all the ridiculousness unfold of everything that happens – from his mom yelling in the background to throwing up to crying!
The Drinking Hat’s 2012 Top News Maker
NUMBER 1 —–
Woman Assaults Man With A Hammer During EASTER EGG HUNT
“It was a family Easter egg hunt that turned into a free-for-all melee…”
No news report will ever top that opening line. It’s impossible. I can only dream of covering a story that requires me to have an opening line like that. I’m not even sure I can MAKE UP a better line than that.
This whole story is so ridiculous it blows my mind. The man excused this mom of helping her daughter find a “golden Easter egg” and then slapped her. At this point, momma went inside and brought out a hammer and smacked him upside the head with it. I can only assume the daughter was watching all of this.
Look at the mug shot of this fucking hood rat!
The man got four staples in his head and momma was taken away. So what was in the precious “golden Easter egg” that was worth assaulting someone with a weapon? Seven dollars.
Seven. Fucking. Dollars.