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I came clean with my roommates.  My self sexual voyage, or intimate reawakening, in their rooms received mixed reactions.  The roomies, Denise and Douglas were firmly against my actions – especially Denise.  Myself, on the other hand, was passionately for the new activity I’d done.  I tried my best to explain to them that it would bring us together as a house and that I’ve already watched them masturbate plenty of times on the house cams I bought – for security purposes.

Hey, the house cams are a safety thing.  Don’t give me shit like they did about the house cams either, which lead to me uninstalling them.  They would have been glad I got them if and when someone burglarized our house or if we start encountering some paranormal shit.  But that would be awesome and I’d let the ghost kiddies play.

And so what if they had been only set up in their rooms.  Those rooms are the most vulnerable to thieves and ghost monsters.  If anything I should be thanked, and Denise should make me a turkey dinner and given me a back massage but she’s always dodging the kitchen duties and massages.

Speaking of Denise, as previously stated, I found her room to be the most delightful to masturbate in.  She objected when I told her her bed had a comforting feeling like none I’ve experienced before – no wonder all the guys she brings home and beds fall asleep right after.  Personally, I’d want to leave right after, cause you know, who wants to stay after? Haha, that’s not the mans way – that’s not the American way.  But I can’t blame them after I found myself laying down and then taking a two-hour nap on it.

I quickly realized why Denise was more upset than Douglas.  I had done the deed and spread my seed in both their beds but one was much more upset.  Why?  Less than a day after jerkin’ in her room, it started to happen.  My crotch was unbelievably itchy.   After a long period of rubbing my burning pork stick on the edge of a table I went to the washroom to examine.

My examination turned into a dreadful discovery.  There was some thing(s) alive and moving through my curly auburn pubic hair.  Was it?  Could it be?  FUUUU!  It was!  Fucking lice on my dick!  Crabs!  AAAH!  How could this happen?  How can they live on her bed?  Was there a fucking colony of crabs that were thriving on potato chip crumbs, pillow drool and bits and pieces of period chocolate that scattered in between her disgusting, cum smeared sheets?

The thought made me shudder uneasily.  I mean really, I don’t even think it’s possible for this to have happened.  This is a goddamn charade.  I had to shave my penis hair off like a goddamn Brazilian surfer.

She explained how she brought home and slept with some random from the bar the previous night.  Some slob no doubt.  She was prone to bring them home.  That’s where she got crabs.

Did “Project Stranger” ever fuck me sour.  But my scheming isn’t done.  Oh, no, no.  The crabs means war, whether she knows it or not.  I’m currently in the process of plotting my next diabolical and shocking siege against my roommate (Denise the Bitch) for this travesty…and another foe has emerged in the midst of all this tomfoolery – the Unthoughtful Neighbours..

Talk soon,

– Tan Van 3000

Fuck the police.

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