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By Jordan DCS

I’m a hyper active social networking kind of guy.  Let’s just say I’m big on the whole Internet thing.  I have (or had) accounts on Facebook, Twitter, Myspace, MSN Messenger, ICQ, Youtube, Yahoo, some forums, I’ve been administer for various blogs/websites, and Blah blah blah I’ve done a bunch of shit on the Internet.  I was going to list more but that seemed like a better fit.  Fuck Meebo.

My generation grew up with the Internet and using social media.  Maybe this is why my generation is the worst.  Everything is in our laps and all knowledge known to mankind at our fingertips and we use it looking at cats.

With all that digital information out there, we need something comforting to keep us coming back for more.  Like take myself for instance: spending half my day online, checking social media websites, porn, news, Youtubing people hurting themselves, stumbling upon shit and going through stats on my Hockey fantasy roster then pondering whether I should drop New York Rangers goalie Henrik Lundqvist for not buying me dinner after he fucked me last week!

“And I won’t be calling you either!”

There’s a ton of sweet shit on the Internet, we can agree on that.  Last summer I decided to take the plunge into the dark waters of Google + and give it a shot.  Google + is a social media extension of the search engine Google (no shit, eh?)

And among all the Facebook homepage updates, tweets and butt fuckings in fantasy hockey, I’ve never actually been interested in knowing what’s happening over at Google +.  And neither have you apparently.

And just to be clear, when I categorize Google + among other social media sites, I categorized it under the miscarriage of aborted incest fetuses of social media sites.

Google + to Google is like what Meth is to Lindsay Lohan.

Even then, Google + doesn’t have as many living things on it as Lohan does on her cheese sliz.

For a company as recognizable as Google and the multi-million daily hits it gets through its search engine, Google + is a vast sea of nothing.

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Listen, if you were thinking about getting Google + (who am I kidding, you’ve never heard of it until I mentioned it now) then let me do you a solid and try talking you out of registering for it.

It’s Regurgitated Social Media

Google + is a replica of every other social media website.  It just ripped shit off.  Hey, Google +, listen, Facebook already ripped off Myspace and MSN and did a much better job of it than you did!

Google + is a hack.  Google + would actually be Carlos Mencia if it was fat and a lesbian.  It’s just Facebook but with fewer people. Like, way way WAY fewer people.  And what’s the point of having a party if no one shows up?

Well, let’s get into what of Google + offers, shall we?  You can upload your photos and videos, have a live chat, create an event, explore what’s trending on Google, add friends, add a bio about yourself with school info, relationship info, etc., update your cover photo, post statuses on your home page (sound familiar?) and hey, it has communities so you can see which diverse range of blimp-sized gamers you belong to.  Communities are no different from “Groups” on Facebook.  But they were put into extinction two-years ago.

Let me tell you a thing about communities:  Fuck ’em!  An Internet community is like walking through the park.  You’re going to encounter fat, screaming children; you’ll cringe upon realizing most people interacting with you would fail grade three English; and piles of dog shit lay everywhere.  And eventually you’re going to step in some wearing new shoes, and nobody wants that.  Except Sean Mac, who is a Copromaniac.  The guy loves poop.  He plays with his own in the bathtub.  True Story.

I’m sorry, I didn’t list the advantages of having Google +?  Oh right…

What’s original about it?  What’s groundbreaking?  Why would I leave Facebook for Google +?  It doesn’t offer anything other than the Google brand name.  Planet Earth picked a side and Google + lost.

Youtube Is No Longer The Anonymous Wild West

Google owns Youtube. So getting Google + and using the same email as your Youtube account, your anonymous Youtube comments can become your actual name.  And what’s the fun of Youtube comments if you can’t be an asshole anymore?  Gone are the days of unprovoked mayhem and calling someone a “fag” or saying videos are “fake and gay” while safely grinning behind your Mr. X Youtube mask.  Whoa whoa whoa!   But that’s what Youtube is all about!  Well, you do have the option to use your original Youtube user name or your real one.

Picture 19

This fucking thing pops up every time you want to call someone a fag so going through all the “Not Nows” gives you a minute to reconsider calling that fag a fag.  They ask you every time if you want to use your real name.  Don’t.  They’re using Jedi mind tricks and it will ruin your juvenile fun.

It’s Established As Something Else Already

Why do we use Google in the first place?  That’s right, to cyber stalk our exes!  I’ll post some tips later for first time cyber stalkers on my What Real Men Do blog.  But above all, Google is world-renowned for primarily two things: 1. Searching (mostly for porn and fucked up shit,) and 2. Google Maps.

It doesn’t have room for more!  We can’t handle it being a social media outlet too. Google + is the fourth attempt at a successful social media enterprise for Google.  Others that came and went are Google Buzz, Google Friend Connect and Orkut.  Change is scary and bad, Google.  We’ve hit our comfort zone with Facebook and it doesn’t appear the tides will ever shift in Google +’s favour.

Everyone uses Google, the search engine, or Google, the cyber map.  But the same can’t be said for Google, the social media website.

stop-trying-to-make-google-plus-happen-meme

If you have Facebook or even Twitter then you’ll get by just fine without Google +.

Google +: The Baron Wasteland

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I remember the water cooler chitchat about Myspace.  I remember the buzz about Facebook, and Twitter.  Never do I hear anyone speak of Google + and how “awesome it is” or that people are “missing out” if they don’t have it.

Launched in June 2011, Google + says they have 500 million users, 235 activate being active, and I’ve yet to meet one who isn’t in journalism…

So why is it so bad?  Why aren’t people swarming this social site like they did for Myspace or Facebook?  The main reason is obvious and it’s Google’s iceberg.  Google basically made a duplicate of its rival’s site and didn’t even make it a better version.  Seriously, how many chain-smoking monkeys on typewriters at Google’s headquarters believed this brilliant idea would fly?

Put it this way, you wouldn’t downgrade to a discman after you’ve used an iPod, so why would websites be any different.

Start digging the grave and preparing the tombstone.  But I have a suggestion for Google + and its inevitable demise:  go all out.  Spend some time to really plan this and make it the best damn social media funeral there ever was.  If you do this one thing right, I say that would be as sweet tasting as any victory.  Because when Zuckerberg goes down and isn’t able to top Google +’s fireworks?  Well, dare I say Hitler’s final days in the bunker…

2 thoughts on “Google’s Hogwash of Social Media

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